Find Me in Your Memory

When Hokuto met Taiga, he thought he saw some otherworldly being. Taiga's visuals had an ethereal quality. The smoke billowed around him, making him enchanting. Like a nymph lost in the woods. Hokuto never thought of smoking as cool, god forbid he didn’t want to be near one, but Taiga made smoking so refined. Akin to royalty. He smoked slowly, savoring each inhale and puff of his lilac Sobranie cocktail. As the pile of leaves behind him burned, it almost seemed like Taiga was shooting a music video inspired by Taylor Swift's Folklore album.

“Uhm, excuse me, but I don’t think you should be smoking here,” he said. 

Taiga turned slowly to look at him. His face said he heard some irritating noise and he needed to put it out. He opened a vintage-looking cigarette case, stubbed his lit cig on it, and wordlessly, left the vicinity. Trailing him is a whiff of cigarette and burning leaves smoke and weirdly, a faint smell of citrus. 

Hokuto turned back and saw his friends, Jesse and Juri, with their jaws on the floor. 

“What?” He asked despite also sensing that he had done something unfathomable. 

“No one tells the musical prince that he can’t smoke wherever he is,” Juri said, stunned. 

“Yeah,” agreed Jesse. “That’s Kyomoto Taiga. He literally revived the failing musical theater of our Uni since its most popular alumnus, that one who is now on Broadway, graduated like 10 years ago.” 

“Kyomoto Taiga? A musical prince?” clarified Hokuto. He continued to frown as they sat on the brick-made bench to eat their onigiri, while the pile of burning leaves inside the stone fire pit continued to crackle. 

He glanced around the small unkempt garden behind the theater, it looked bewitching as trees started shedding for autumn, a sea of yellow leaves covered the grounds, and emitting a crunch under their feet. They were sophomores in the Faculty of Design, and to expand their portfolio, they decided to lend their talent to the Performing Arts Center and create the set of their upcoming musical, “Murder for Two”.

“Seeing how introverted you are, I’m not surprised you don’t know him,” said Jesse as he quickly finished his onigiri, “Saw him once when he was still an understudy for the ‘Phantom of the Opera’. The audience wasn't happy about the understudy performing that day. But he made everyone shiver with his first note.” 

“I only heard him rehearsing, but I agree with the shivers,” Juri said and Hokuto swore, Juri’s eyes were gleaming. “And then, you see his face and you start thinking how unfair god is.”

Hokuto ate half of his tuna mayo onigiri, before revealing, “Uhm, I actually know him.” 

Jesse and Juri looked befuddled as he added, “But the Kyomoto Taiga I know is different. Vastly different.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jesse. 

“We went to the same escalator school from kindergarten to high school, but he’s a senpai. As far as I can recall, he graduated 3 years before me, and he was set to go to Waseda.” 

“Woah! How old is Kyomoto?” asked Juri.

“No idea. Is he in graduate school?” asked Jesse.

Juri shook his head. “I doubt it. Besides, from Waseda to here?” said Juri in a tone that their University is inferior to that of THE Waseda University.

”He must have changed his majors,” Jesse suggested. 

Hokuto nodded and said, "That's a possibility. In school, Kyomoto had a reputation for potentially joining NASA. He was a Physics genius.” Even though Taiga was older than him, Hokuto would never forget seeing Taiga’s name in various bulletin board announcements on how he won this and that prize in this and that competition. Their school also used Taiga as a poster boy to ramp up school admissions. 

“Really?” Hokuto could tell that Juri’s admiration for Taiga has increased tenfold. “What a 360-degree turn. Maybe he really had a change of heart.” 

“Maybe,” Hokuto agreed even though he was still not convinced that the Kyomoto Taiga his high school was so proud of is now doing musicals. Not that there was anything wrong with musicals, but it was just weird. 

“And he must really be a genius seeing he’s still excelling in a completely different field,” he added.  

Jesse nodded in agreement. “Well, a genius will always be a genius. By the way, have you moved in with Yugo?”

Hokuto beamed. “I moved in yesterday!” Hokuto recently got kicked out of his dormitory. His roommates were drug users, and despite being clean, Hokuto was also expelled. 

“Thank you for recommending your boyfriend’s place,” he added.   

Juri snorted. “Don’t enable his delusions, he got rejected twice,” said Juri with a smirk. 

Jesse doesn’t even look offended. “He rejected me because I’m still a student, but I’m sure he’ll have a change of heart once I graduate,” said Jesse with such confidence Hokuto wished he also possessed. 

“There will be another tenant who might move in tonight. Yugo said he’ll be taking the attic room,” said Hokuto. Although Kouchi Yugo is 4 years older than him, he told Hokuto to just call him by his first name.

Jesse’s face went from pleased to slightly murderous. “He didn’t tell me this, who is it?” 

“Why would he even tell you his plans?” Juri quipped. 

Hokuto shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’m sure he also goes to our Uni.” 

Jesse’s phone buzzed before he could say anything more. “The director wants us back there, let’s go.” 

Hokuto shoved the remaining piece of onigiri in his mouth, he gave the crackling leaves one good look behind him, and followed Jesse and Juri back to the theater. 

***

Hokuto awoke from the sound of dragging noises upstairs. He checked his phone, groaning when he saw that it was only 5:30 in the morning. He was hoping to sleep longer since he didn’t have class until after lunch. Begrudgingly, he went to the toilet to relieve himself and wash his face. 

The house remained dimly lit when he finished, the autumn sun hadn't risen yet, and the air was stale. He noticed the stack of small boxes on the first step of the steep staircase leading to the attic. He glanced up, the lights were on with sounds moving. He assumed the other housemate had arrived, and despite his ire earlier, he picked up a small box and took it to the attic room. 

He knocked on the opened door. 

“Do you need help?” He asked as he placed the box on the floor. The man turned quickly and under the amber glow of his room, Taiga looked younger and smaller in his wide-frame glasses and oversized tee. It was so unlike the Big D energy he displayed while he smoked. 

“Oh! Hi,” said Hokuto with an awkward wave. Taiga just stared, his eyes telling that he had no recollection of their brief encounter at the back of the theater. 

“Uhm, I also moved here the other day, I stay downstairs.” 

“Oh - I’m sorry,” said Taiga, his eyes widening, “I must have woken you up. I’m really sorry, I was supposed to move yesterday night, but I had problems with the movers so here I am in the early morning before class.” 

“It’s fine!” Hokuto said with a huge smile. “I do wake up around this time.” 

Yugo appeared at that time, still in his pj’s, with bed hair, and scratching his tummy. “Ohayo, Hokuto,” he told him while patting his shoulder.

“Did you get to sleep? Didn’t you arrive around midnight?” asked Yugo to Taiga. 

“I did get to nap before the movers arrived.”

“This is our other housemate, Matsumura Hokuto, his room is below yours. Hokuto, this is Kyomoto Taiga.” 

“Hi,” said Hokuto.

“Hi. Uhm, again, sorry if I disturbed your sleep.” 

“It’s really okay,” he insisted. “Uhm, my class won’t start until past noon, do you need some help?” 

“Ah, thank you, but I can manage,” he said, slightly smiling as the sun started flooding through the Velux window, making Taiga’s fair skin glow, but also highlighting the dark circles under his eyes. 

“Then, we’ll be downstairs, just call us if you need anything,” said Yugo.

“I will. Thank you,” Taiga said and Yugo steered him downstairs. 

“He sounds all right to you?” asked Yugo when they reached the ground floor. 

“What do you mean? Is he supposed to sound different?” He asked, confused.

Yugo frowned, looking like he regretted asking the question. 

“Well, yeah, what was I thinking anyway? Let me cook you some omelet,” offered Yugo and went to the kitchen. 

***

“You’re living with the musical prince?” Jesse said with a gasp. 

“We’re in the library!” Hokuto urgently whispered as he looked tensely around, “And yes, I’m living with him. Yugo said that a colleague recommended Kyomoto and hoped Yugo could watch out for him.”

“Watch out for Kyomoto?” Jesse asked with a bit of aggression in his tone, “Do they think Yugo is a babysitter or something?”

“I don’t think that’s what they want him to do, but I’ve only lived with Yugo for days, and I can say he is quite dependable and trustworthy as an adult.” 

Jesse puffed up his chest. “Of course he is, that’s why I chose him to be my man.”

Hokuto grinned. “Good luck with that.”

“So make sure to tell me if there’s anyone, male or female, showing interest in my soon-to-be-boyfriend.” 

“You want me to spy?”

“Spy? Of course, not!” He denied vehemently. “That’s some stalker-ish behavior, I just want to be sure - that Yugo is - safe.”

Hokuto cocked an eyebrow. “Safe? O – kay.”

“Kyomoto at 1 o’clock,” Jesse whispered and Hokuto glanced back. His eyes connected with Taiga and despite his reluctance, he casually waved at him. Taiga simply acknowledged him with a nod, before he settled to the nearest vacant seat near him. 

“He’s quite a loner, our musical prince,” said Jesse. “Rumor has it that he doesn’t have any friends in his department.” 

“You seemed to know a lot about him.”

“He’s pretty famous for his looks and talent, and I have lots of friends in all departments. Oh, don’t tell Yugo, he might get the wrong idea that I’m interested in Kyomoto or something.”

“I’m sure he won’t,” he assured Jesse. 

Jesse continued, “I told you about how he was an understudy for the 'Phantom of the Opera', right?”

Hokuto nodded.

“Heard it through the grapevine that he could have gotten the lead part, but he has some problems connecting with his co-stars.” 

Hokuto frowned. “Like their chemistry is off?” He assumed since The Phantom of the Opera is a tragic love story. 

“Hmmm, something like that, but some people joked that he must be a virgin, has no girlfriend since birth, has never been in love, has a heart of stone, and there’s just so much speculation. It didn’t help that he rejected every other confession he received.” 

“Oh…” Hokuto glanced back again, Taiga now wore headphones while he read a thick book with intense concentration. He gave the impression that not only he didn’t want to be disturbed, he just didn’t want anyone else. But despite the invisible wall Taiga seemed to have built around him, he has this enigmatic personality; he’s a mystery that people want to solve. Hokuto quickly averted his gaze when Taiga looked up as two girls approached him. He looked back to Jesse and saw him smiling maliciously. 

“Seems like Kyomoto also piques your interest?” Jesse teased.

Hokuto cleared his throat. “I’ve said this before, I knew him, and it’s - odd - to see him so - so unlike how I knew him before.” 

“Okay,” said Jesse, his tone implying that he didn’t believe him. “If you compare Kyomoto to the past and present, which is better for you?” 

Hokuto thought hard on this, and in the end, he gave Jesse the safest answer, or rather, the safest answer so Jesse would stop grinning. 

“I don’t really know him that well to give an opinion,” he said and it was the truth. He didn’t know Taiga enough.  

***

“Going home?” 

Hokuto glanced up and was a bit startled seeing Taiga occupy the seat beside him. 

“Were you also in the line? I didn’t notice you,” he said. 

“I was like 4 people behind you, you seem busy -” his eyes darted to the Nintendo Switch in his hands, “- so I didn’t bother calling your attention.” 

“Ah, I’m playing suika, my fave,” he said, grinning as his eyes traveled to the thick book on Taiga’s lap. It must be the same book Taiga was reading earlier in the library and it’s Feynman’s, “ Lecture on Physics ”. 

It made Hokuto smile a bit, seeing that Taiga was still into Physics after all.

“That looks hard,” he said, pointing to the book. 

“Ah, this?” Taiga ran his fingers on the embossed title of the hardbound book. “It is - hard - but I’m reading it to remember,” he said quietly.

The bus started moving while Taiga’s eyes remained wistfully at the red book. 

“I guess you still miss it after all. Everyone thought you’d be working for NASA.” 

Taiga turned to him, his eyes registering surprise. “It’s weird, but since this morning, I thought your voice sounded familiar.”

“My voice?” 

“Have we known each other before?” Taiga asked with hesitation.

“Err, not really, we went to the same escalator school but you graduated before me.” 

Taiga didn’t look happy about that fact. “I see,” he said as he gazed outside. 

Hokuto watched passing scenery reflected on Taiga's glasses, the peach and crimson horizon coloring his spectacles as they passed-by a bridge, and Hokuto found himself voicing-out that thought that had been bugging him. 

“What happened to you?” 

Taiga turned to look slowly at him, the setting sun giving his pale skin a healthy glow, while his eyes looked blank. 

“Hmmm?”

“Hmmm? Oh! Sorry, you can ignore my question. I mean, it’s none of my business,” he said, flushing slightly from embarrassment. 

“It’s okay,” said Taiga, smiling softly, his gaze returning to the book, “What happened to me? I - I lost my memories.” 

After what seemed like an eternity, Hokuto mumbled, “Huh?” 

Taiga was no longer smiling, his dark brown eyes looked straight to his coal-black eyes. 

“I have amnesia.” 

Taiga tried to be nonchalant when Hokuto asked what happened to him. After all, it had been four years, and answering that question should no longer faze him. But as he stared at his reflection from Hokuto's coal-black eyes, sadness and longing crept in, and when he uttered those words, he felt the devil’s hands around his ankle, dragging him back to hell. 

He let out a sigh and watched the smoke disappear to the dark sky. During nights like this when it’s chilly and calm, Taiga would drag time with him romanticizing the tragedy that happened to him. He would imagine himself as a main character, still in an endless pit of struggle while the author curated his comeback arc. 

The sound of a metal sliding-off disrupted his musings, and as he looked for the source of the sound, he saw Hokuto's head appear from the window below his roof window. 

Shit. “Uhm, don't rat me out to Yugo,” he said, quickly dropping his pink Sobranie in his half-empty coke can. 

Hokuto's head disappeared from his window and after a few seconds, Taiga heard incoming footsteps and a knock on his door. 

“Matsumura?”

Hokuto opened the door and peeked. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

“I can’t hear you clearly, you were saying something about Yugo?” asked Hokuto while his eyes roamed the mess of his desk, and his nostrils flared.

“Uhm, something about not ratting me to Yugo," he said sheepishly. 

“Because you were smoking in your room?” He clarified as a corner of his lips raised as it was amusing.

Taiga nodded, he is aware he broke Yugo’s House Rule No. 3 , “Abso-fucking-lutely no smoking indoors” .

“Hmmm, I won't tell a soul on one condition.”

“Anything.”

“How about you treat me to a meal?”

“That's all? Sure!”

“Okay, I’ll go back to my room, goodnight.”

“Good night,” said Taiga, and before Hokuto could turn his doorknob, he added hurriedly, “By the way, I’m sorry about what I said earlier.” 

Hokuto turned back, frowning. “Which part?”

Taiga bit his dry lower lip. “Uhm, about the part of me having - amnesia,” he said, whispering the last word. 

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for-”

Taiga shook his head and cut across him, “Yes, there is. It’s not really a secret, but I feel like it's a burden to people whom I share it with, that’s why I’m sorry.” 

He could see reluctance in Hokuto’s face as he smiled faintly. “I’m usually asleep by 10, but as you can see, I’m still awake.”

Taiga glanced at his bedside clock and saw that it was 10 minutes before midnight. 

“I can’t sleep, and I admit that I keep on thinking about what you told me. But not because I’m burdened or anything,” he added quickly. “I actually felt bad for intruding into something I shouldn’t have. I should be the one apologizing for making you tell me personal things that you shouldn’t have to.”

The regret on Hokuto’s face is so palpable that Taiga found himself fascinated. How can someone be so pure and honest - and a bit cute? 

“So, please, don’t feel bad about it.” 

Taiga smiled inwardly. When he told Hokuto about losing his memories, he expected him to be gobsmacked, or repeatedly asked him if he was pulling his leg. And once the shock wore off, he expected Hokuto to ask him how it happened as his face showered him with pity. But Hokuto did none of those things. He even looked sad and regretful and the bus reached their stop before Hokuto could even say anything. They walked in silence back to their sharehouse and retreated to their rooms without so much of a word. 

“I think I should treat you to a meal twice.” 

Hokuto’s face lit up. “I’ll be expecting that!” He said, yawning as he bid him goodnight again. 

Still smiling, Taiga returned to his window and sat on the ledge. The night is still young for him, but the desire to smoke again has vanished as he stares at the nearest star in the sky, and imagines another life, different from his own. 

***

[Singing]

“One night he told me I was graceful

And that I had a lovely face full 

Of features like eyebrows and eyes

His high-falutin way with words swept me clear off

My thighs 

A perfectly lovely surprise.”

 

“So he asked you to marry him?” 

 

“Yes but like-”

 

“Cut!”

Taiga turns to their director as he catches his breath.  

“Are you struggling, Kyomoto, you’re not being consistent with your tone for Mrs. Whitney?” 

Taiga acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized. He knows he’s being pitchy. “Let me try again.” 

The director glanced at her watch and said, “Fifteen minutes break.” 

Taiga rushed to the back. His fingers trembled as he lit a yellow Sobranie, taking a deep pull as though it was oxygen and he could feel his nerves easing. The door opened and he saw his co-star, Morimoto Shintaro, his only co-star .

“Should you be smoking?” He asked with a look of disapproval as he handed him a bottle of mineral water.

Taiga blew the smoke away from Shintaro as he accepted the water. “Given the stress, I’m surprised that you’re not smoking at all.” 

Shintaro never hid his disappointment that Taiga got the role of “The Suspects”, and as the name suggested, Taiga would alternate in playing a variety of suspects. The role might be hard, but one man playing various characters would definitely increase his repertoire. 

“I hate to say this, but how is your voice that good when you smoke like a chimney?” 

“They told me I used to have a really clean lifestyle,” he said, unsure how to take being praised and insulted at the same time. 

“They told you - what do you mean?”

“I’ll tell you - if we become friends,” he said, smiling sheepishly at the memory of how he blurted it out easily to his housemate.  

“Whatever,” said Shintaro, rolling his eyes, “I have no interest in becoming friends.”

Taiga scoffed. “I never said we should, it was hypothetical.”

“We’re not friends, but as co-stars, I strongly suggest that you either stop or cut back on your smoking unless you want to run out of breath in the middle and worst, find yourself inside The White Room . We only have 6 shows, it’s not that much of a sacrifice,” he finished with a look of contempt. 

Taiga watched as Shintaro returned to the theater and following him was a cloud of smoke from Taiga’s cig. Smoking was one of the conscious things he did post-accident. It became his stress reliever together with an interest in rock music and musicals. He did try to cut back once, and it was the worst day of his life as far as his present memories are concerned. 

He opened his phone as he was suddenly craving some curry, and he might as well fulfill his promise to Hokuto. 

“Ah, I don’t know his number,” he mumbled and sent a message to Yugo instead, asking for Hokuto’s number. He finished his ciggies and his bottle of water before he returned inside. 

***

Yugo had replied by the time his rehearsals were over. He didn’t just send Hokuto’s contact number and LINE account, he also sent him a copy of his class schedule. Taiga found it odd, but when Hokuto’s phone was turned-off, the class schedule helped locate him. 

“Ahhh!”

Taiga scowled, more weirded-out having a girl scream at his face than scared. The girl ran back to the classroom he was planning to go to and the nearly full lecture hall quieted to deafening silence as Taiga took a peek. Everyone looked at him with curiosity and anticipation, the girl who screamed at his face earlier was now convening with her girlfriends, their faces looking at him with wonderment. 

“Kyomoto?”

He looked at the upper seats and made a reluctant wave at Hokuto. He mouthed, “Me?” while pointing at his chest. Taiga nodded and the silence broke to curious buzzing as Hokuto reached the ground. 

“How did you-”

“Yugo sent me your class schedule,” he whispered as the door closed, “and I can’t reach you so I decided to go here.”

“Ah! I think I haven’t turned on my phone yet, my earlier class was quite strict with phones.” 

“Anyway, I promised to treat you to a meal. Are you free after your class?” 

“Well, this is my last class, but it’ll end at 7:30.”

“7:30 is fine,” said Taiga, checking his watch and noting he has 2 and a half hours to kill, “I’ll wait for you in the library.”

“You’ll wait for 2 and a half hours? No - that’s too long.”

“Again, it’s fine, I have nothing else to do,” he assured him.

“But-”

Hokuto was disrupted by a deep and loud clearing of their throat, and they both turned to see a tiny man, who barely reached their shoulders, scowling at them. 

“He said he’ll wait for you at the library, Matsumura,” the man said in a squeaky voice that Taiga was reminded of Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter. However, the man’s vibes are giving him Voldemort.

“I suggest you agree with his proposal so I can start our class and end it on time,” the man added and tapped his wristwatch. 

“Uhm, o-okay, sensei,” said Hokuto meekly before quickly adding, “I’ll see you later.” 

Taiga wanted to grab Hokuto back as soon as the door closed, but he couldn’t do that, so he just gave Hokuto’s professor his sweetest smile. 

“Err, excuse me.”

“No worries,” the professor said as he opened the door to his class. Taiga used that time to scamper away, but he hadn't made his third step when he heard the professor loudly add, “I’ll end this class a few minutes earlier so Matsumura will be on time for your date.” 

The door closed and Taiga could feel his face turned beet red, while the walls reverberated the teasing and whistling inside. 

***

“I really thought you would cancel this after what sensei did earlier,” said Hokuto as they finished giving-out their orders. 

In the end, Taiga chose not to remain in the Uni’s vicinity and went to a coffee shop instead. He is now quite full after a cup of hot chocolate and croissant, his cravings for curry gone, so he lets Hokuto choose where to eat. 

“I thought about it,” he admitted as he checked the stained glass partition of the family restaurant, “but after a bite of croissant, all the embarrassment I felt went down to the pit of my stomach.”

“I’m really sorry about that,” said Hokuto, both of his ears were red. 

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m sure you got teased as well. By the way, that girl earlier, why did she scream after seeing me?” 

“Girl? - Ahhh! I guessed she’s just shocked to see you up close. I mean, you’re quite a celebrity around the Uni. Didn’t you know that?” 

“Really?” He asked with skepticism. He never really paid attention to anyone else except for those whom he worked with in the theater. 

“Even sensei knows you, he told me to ask you to sing ‘ Will I’ ?”

Taiga didn’t need to be asked twice as he sang, his voice drowning the nearby chatter. 

“ Will I lose my dignity?

Will someone care?

Will I wake tomorrow

From this nightmare?...”

“Sorry,” he said as Hokuto stared open-mouthed at him. “Occupational hazard. I guess your professor saw me in RENT earlier this year.”

Hokuto nodded, but his face was blank. 

“And I guess you have no idea what RENT is.” 

Hokuto looked in pain as he shook his head. “Sorry.”

“We’ve been saying ‘sorry’ a lot to one another, don’t you think?” asked Taiga, smiling. “And by the way, RENT is a really famous musical and the song I just sang is one of my faves. It’s just - I think the lyrics resonate with me.”

“I do think it’s good,” said Hokuto kindly.

Their orders arrived, hamburger steak for him, and fried pork cutlet for Hokuto. 

“Thank you for this.”

“You’re welcome. Itadakimasu ,” they both said before gobbling the meal. 

“Oh - this is good!” He mumbled with each bite, while Hokuto could only moan and nod his head in agreement. 

As they ate in silence, Taiga couldn’t help but overhear the two salarymen who sat in the next cubicle. Both of them have emptied multiple glasses of beer and their order hasn’t arrived yet. One of them wore insanely thick glasses and he kept on yapping about how he shouldn’t be drinking on a Wednesday night, but he might kill himself if he didn’t and that he had already worked 40 hours since Monday. The guy opposite him agreed with fervor. Taiga couldn’t see his face, but his hair resembled a bird’s nest, and his speech was slurred as he said that they would probably be alcoholic long before they retired. Then, they get political, saying how Japan is a backward society, how other countries are now striving to find a work-life balance and such. 

“Kyomoto? Kyomoto?”

“Hmmm?” Mumbled Taiga, quickly realizing that he'd been staring at the two salarymen, while his half-eaten hamburger steak had gone untouched. 

“Oh, err, I realized I want a beer,” he lied. “Can you drink?”

“Not until next year,” he said with regret. 

“It’s okay, uhm, want to have some milk tea after this?” 

Hokuto nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll treat you this time!”

Taiga wanted to argue, but he just smiled and agreed. 

***

Taiga could feel his stomach begging for him to stop guzzling tapioca over tapioca over tapioca. It was just endless and Taiga was glad for a bit of distraction while he continuously berated himself. How could he even feel jealous of those two salarymen? They don’t even look like they enjoy adulting, their jobs, or even their lives. But goddammit, Taiga would have been in the same scenario if his life didn’t fuck up. His hair would have been a mess, his eyesight worse, and he would probably be not sleeping. Or he would have been in the US, struggling to speak English so he would lock himself in a lab while he solved equations using Hagoromo chalk. The possibilities could have been endless if it never happened. 

“Look out!”

Taiga stalled, he was still a bit out-of-sorts when he noticed Hokuto’s arm on his chest, and one step away from him was a lamp post. 

“I would have banged my head on that, right?”

Hokuto nodded, removing his arm. 

“Thank you for saving my life.”

Hokuto snickered. “No need to be so dramatic,” he replied as they continued walking.

“I wonder if it’s like the movies, would my memories return if I bashed my head on that pole?”

Color drained from Hokuto’s face with his joke. “I’m sure those things only happened in movies.” 

“I also thought amnesia only happens in movies,” he said, smiling bitterly, “Lucky me for being an exception.” 

“Kyomoto…”

“Oh, we have a visitor?” 

Taiga was glad to quickly change the topic to what could have been an awkward moment. 

“Must be Yugo’s,” Hokuto assumed as they passed-by the parked car outside. 

“Must be. Tadaima ,” he said, removing his shoes as Hokuto followed closely behind him, repeating the same greeting. 

Yugo appeared in the hallway, still in his work clothes as he looked somberly at Taiga. 

“ Okaeri . You have a visitor.”

Taiga pointed at his chest as he glanced at Hokuto, who gave him a light shrug. 

“I have a visitor?” He clarified in a bit of amazement. He couldn’t recall ever having visitors, and he was embarrassed to admit that he felt excited. And his visitor must have been excited to see him, too, as she stepped out of the living-room, and a mythic fragrance wafted toward him. 

“Taiga…”

Dressed in a peach frilly skirt and lace top, one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen stood before him. She looks like a real-life Sukiyo doll with her small face and huge eyes, her skin as fair as his, while her long auburn hair cascades in waves down to her breast. 

“I miss you,” she said, her eyes started tearing-up and Taiga glanced at Yugo and Hokuto for help. She might be pretty and all, but he has no idea who she is. 

Seeing his distress, Hokuto stepped-in. “Hi, I’m Matsumura Hokuto, I also live here, and - you are?”

Distracted, she gave Hokuto a friendly smile. “I’m Natsushima Kara, Taiga’s girlfriend.” 

Hokuto has read 66 pages of Universal Principles of Design but he didn’t register anything. A thousand things had been running in his mind after having dinner with Taiga, and he didn’t know how to deal with it all at once. It didn’t help that Jesse and Juri flooded his LINE with heart stickers as they repeatedly demanded an update about his “date”, which he repeatedly insisted that it wasn’t a date, but his friends refused to accept the truth. 

Adding to his dilemma is that the company he wanted to intern with has started accepting applications for next year. The application would only be open for a month and together with the upcoming midterm exams, Hokuto didn’t think he had enough time to polish his portfolio. 

Speaking of portfolio, his cousin in London has been pestering him to send an application to Central Saint Martins, a school that Hokuto also aspires to be at. However, he didn’t have a strong portfolio one should have if applying to a school like CSM. And if he is being brutally honest, he has no idea what to put in his portfolio. Unlike Jesse, who is dead-set on pursuing fashion design, and Juri, who is leaning heavily toward set design; Hokuto is delusioning himself as being a “Jack of all trades”, Jack of all trades, master to none. 

Then, there’s Taiga.

He gave up reading and opened his window. The air was so crisp and nippy, that he had to drag his sweater up to his fingertips. Taiga’s somber face while he stared at the two salarymen etched on his mind. Hokuto could tell it wasn’t the beer that interested Taiga, it was something deeper that bothered him so much he almost collided with a lamp post. 

There were so many questions he could have asked. So much so that he felt like his head would explode. But Hokuto stopped himself from ever voicing-out those questions. It wasn’t a lie when he told Taiga that he didn’t feel a burden knowing his condition, but he was scared of something else; scared of repeating a past mistake. 

The sound of an opening door interrupted his thoughts, and he had the perfect view to see Taiga accompany his girlfriend back to her car. If Hokuto didn’t know anything, he would never assume Taiga and Kara were in a relationship. Taiga is colder than the night’s breeze. Hokuto even thinks the girl has been crying, and when they reach her parked car, Kara embraces Taiga from behind, which prompts Hokuto to close his window. 

He returned to his desk as another batch of questions raced through his mind. He was sure Kara didn’t go to their escalator school. A face like hers would never be forgotten, and he could only assume she came from one of those ojou-sama schools. And where was she all along? Is she not aware of Taiga’s amnesia? What happened to them? He covered his ears with his hands until he could hear nothing but the oscillating sound waves and his pulse. He should stop entertaining these questions. He should be stronger than his curiosity and empathy. 

His phone rang, he was so sure it would only be Jesse and Juri annoying him, and when he saw who was calling, his hand remained in the air while he debated whether to accept the call. 

Relief flooded in him when the call ended, but his heart raced like crazy when a LINE message arrived from the same number. 

“Hokuto, let me hear your voice.” 

He read the message again; a message from someone who thought they still had a hold on him. His knuckles turned white from gripping his phone, and with a heavy sigh, he threw his phone on his bed. 

***

Two masks weren’t enough to dampen the tangy smell of vinegar as Hokuto coated the distressed wood with a combination of vinegar and black tea. There are other ways to make the wood antique-looking, but he decided to make it harder for himself. They submitted three set designs to the “Murder for Two” director, and she chose the grandest one. Hokuto found it impractical since upon his research, the musical would make do with just some living-room wallpaper and a piano. 

“Will you watch the opening next Saturday?” asked Jesse, who was busy upholstering a settee. They were in the Faculty of Design’s “Workshop”, doing a bit of repurposing and refurbishing for the set, and they had three days before they assembled everything on stage. 

“Opening of what?” He asked absentmindedly, his brain must be getting vinegar-fogged. 

“Uhm, who do you think we’re making this set for?” He asked with suppressed sarcasm. 

“I have an errand next Saturday.” Hokuto is free, but he also knows that Jesse asked because he was still teasing him about Taiga, so he lied.

“What errand?” asked Jesse in a challenging tone. 

“Why? Do you want to do the errand for me?” He asked back in an equally challenging tone. 

“No, Yugo and I would be watching Kyomoto’s musical. Do you want to come with us?”

“Oh - okay -” he replied, feeling boorish for thinking that Jesse was teasing him. “Uhm, I might go if I finish my errand early.”

Jesse simply nodded. Hokuto resumed his work, and the silence was filled with the constant whirring of the sewing machine and hammering until Hokuto finished the mantel of the fireplace. He removed his mask and admired his handiwork, thinking that furniture design as his specialty wouldn’t be so bad. 

The door opened and Juri entered with the face of a man bearing bad news. 

“Hokuto, uhm, someone is looking for Kyomoto Taiga.” 

Frowning slightly, he asked, “And why are you telling me this?” 

Instead of answering, Juri opened the door, and Hokuto knew who it was as the same fragrance he smelled last night drifted inside the workshop. The combined smell of solvent, wood, fabric, and dried sweat that dominated the room was diminished as Taiga’s girlfriend appeared like Aphrodite rising from sea foams in her blue billowy skirt and white turtleneck. 

“Hi,” she said and Hokuto swore, everyone in the room just sighed.

***

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your work.”

“It’s okay,” said Hokuto, placing a cup of coffee on the table that he got from the nearby vending machine. 

“Thank you,” she said and took a sip of coffee, “This is good.”

Hokuto smiled uncomfortably. He didn’t think Kara would drink a vending machine coffee, she looked like she only drank overpriced coffee, and he could only hope that the rumor about the vending machine only being cleaned once a semester was false.

“I guessed its fate when Tanaka saw me.” 

Hokuto fought not to sneer, knowing Juri, Kara definitely caught his eye, he decided to flirt, and it was a coincidence she happened to be Taiga’s girlfriend.

“Taiga took my number, but he didn’t give me his. It’s been less than 24 hours, and he hasn’t contacted me,” she said with a frustrated sigh, and Hokuto was distracted by her unbelievably long and curled eyelashes.

“So I went here, met Tanaka, and I asked him if he knew any Kyomoto Taiga, and then, he led me to you.”

“Uhm, sorry, I also don’t know where Kyomoto is at the moment. Have you checked the Performing Arts Center?” Unlike Taiga, Hokuto doesn’t have a copy of his class schedule. Maybe he should ask Yugo for it as well.

She nodded. “I checked the theater, but the doors were locked.”

“I see.” He didn’t think the theater would ever close. 

“Can you - just give me his number?” 

Hokuto clenched his hand on his lap and his hesitation must have also shown on his face. 

“He probably told you not to give me his number.” 

“He didn’t-” he spilled before he could stop himself. Maybe it was her eyelashes, but Kara just looked so agonizingly sad, and Hokuto felt like the evil stepmother.

“But - but I also don’t think it’s right for me to give away his number. Even to his girlfriend,” he added with regret. 

Her face fell deeper into sadness. “Taiga’s lucky. He has loyal friends.” 

“We’re not really what you can call friends,” he wanted to say as Kara pulled out a tinplate container from her tote. 

“Can you at least give this to him?” She asked, pushing the bright red container toward him, “Those were his letters to me. And other mementos that I managed to keep. Maybe - maybe it would remind him of us.” 

Hokuto nodded. “I will,” he said, running his fingers on the cold tin.

“Thank you. Uhm, I’m leaving then.” She stood up, her eyes still on the tin container, as she added, “I’m leaving tomorrow. I don’t know when I’ll be back again, uhm, so please tell him he could keep it, and that I’ll keep on waiting for him.” 

He watched Kara look away with the threat of tears in her eyes. He repeatedly convinced himself that there was a good reason why Taiga chose not to give her his number. He shouldn’t meddle. It shouldn’t be any of his business if Kara looked like the Earth shattered at her very eyes. And she will be leaving tomorrow, too! 

He stood up to return to the workshop, his hands holding the tin tight, he might have dented it, and as he twisted the doorknob to enter the room, he took one last glance at Kara's retreating figure, and he just lost it. He still couldn’t bear to see anyone crying. 

He chased Kara and when he caught up with her, he thrust the tin back into her arms. 

“What-” 

“You should give this to him,” he said, catching his breath as he pulled out his phone. He typed a quick message, his fingers drummed on the screen as the message went from ‘sent’ to ‘read’, and he didn’t wait long for a short reply. 

“If you walk straight ahead from here, you will reach the eastern gate, turn right, and you will see a Starbucks. Kyomoto is there.”

Kara’s face lightened up and she looked more beautiful than ever. 

“Thank you,” she said, and to Hokuto’s surprise, she gave him a quick hug, before leaving him to run to Taiga. 

Hokuto watched her back until she blurred from his vision, her alluring perfume with notes of vanilla trailing behind, and before he returned to the workshop, he looked at his message to Taiga and mentally apologized.

***

“You shouldn’t have done that. Didn’t you know, ‘All is fair in love and war’ ?” asked Jesse and Hokuto merely scoffed. He didn’t want to answer Jesse's insinuation. 

“Not all battles have to be won,” said Juri, passing him a corn dog and a small bowl of mozzarella that was deep-fried in dashi. They decided to call it a day and were in one of their favorite hangouts, Jonathan’s. 

“This is all your fault,” blamed Jesse. “You should have not brought her to the workshop.”

“How is it my fault that I’m just doing my duty as a helpful student?”

Jesse sneered. “You only helped her because she’s a woman.”

“That’s sexist!” 

Hokuto yawned. He is physically and mentally tired. He kept on checking his phone if Taiga had messaged him, but there had been nothing but radio silence from his side. 

“Do you really expect Kyomoto to message you?” asked Jesse. “After what you did?” 

“Hokuto’s only fault is not asking his permission before sending his girlfriend over to him. Did Kyomoto tell him he was avoiding her or anything? No. Hokuto has no idea if they have problems whatsoever, he doesn’t know anything.”

“Hokuto doesn’t know anything, simply because he’s not in any position to know anything.”

Hokuto bit his lower lip. What Jesse said cut like a knife. Jesse was right, he didn’t know anything, because who was he in the first place? He now regretted meddling, but when he recalled Kara’s smile as she thanked him, he started having ambivalent feelings. His phone rang, and he almost answered it thinking it was Taiga.

“Are you not going to take that?” asked Juri, his neck stretched to check his screen. 

“It’s not important,” he said, toggling his phone to silent, and putting the screen face down. 

“If it’s not important, then, why did they have your number?” asked Jesse, looking like Hokuto was due for another scolding.

“Well - we knew each other from high school.” 

“Ahhh..”

“Oooh…” Juri and Jesse both mumbled and Hokuto once again found himself in the hot seat. 

“Girl or boy?” asked Juri.

“Why do you need to know?” asked Hokuto as he grew uncomfortable from Juri and Jesse’s keen gazes. 

“Definitely a girl,” concluded Jesse. 

“What are you guys doing?”

“Former flame?” Jesse guessed.

“No.”

“So why are you avoiding her call?” asked Juri. 

Hokuto opened and closed his mouth and sighed. “We were never together,” he said, hoping he didn't sound sad or bitter over that fact. “So I’m not answering her calls, because there’s no need to keep the communication going.” 

Jesse looked satisfied with his explanation. God knows why he has to explain anything, but Juri wasn’t done. 

“Then, tell her that?” 

“I did,” he said, exasperated. “And I learned that she’s the type of person who thinks that they’re too good to be given up.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jesse.

“She thought that I only said what I said, because I was too bitter she rejected me, but deep inside, I still care about her.”

“Do you still care?” asked Juri.

“Heck, no,” he replied quickly, before correcting himself, “Well, I was - for a couple of months. Or probably - up to a year,” he added meekly and both Juri and Jesse lifted an eyebrow.

“But not anymore,” he said with finality.

“Change your number then,” challenged Juri. 

“Why should I? That’s such a cowardly move. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I agree with Juri on this one. I’d rather be seen as a coward, than to be mistaken as still hopelessly pinning for someone.”

Juri nodded. “See? Not changing your number or not blocking her on LINE is like saying, ‘Call me when you need me’.”

“But - but I have had this number since my first phone!” 

“Quit the sentimental value. It’s just a number.”

“Just think about it,” said Jesse. “Look at Kyomoto, he’s clearly trying to draw a line, until you decide to send his girlfriend over.” 

Hokuto sighed, and just like that, the guilt-tripping over his interference returned. 

***

Hokuto slowed his steps when the sharehouse came into view. He couldn’t shake off that sense of impending doom as he approached the gates. He took a deep breath, psyching himself as though he was an Olympic athlete about to compete. Or rather, a gladiator about to be slaughtered.

“I’m so fuck,” he murmured upon entering the gate. Taiga was out on the lawn, a pink Sobranie between his lips, while one-by-one, he threw what looked like letters into a familiar red tin container that was now lit by fire. 

There was a seismic change in Taiga, and Hokuto could feel that he was largely responsible.

“You’re home?” asked Taiga without looking at him, his eyes reflecting the flame while he made long drags of his cigarette. 

“T-tadaima,” he said, unable to move and enter the tiger’s den. “Uhm, did - did you get to see Kara?”

“I did,” he said flatly. 

“Uhm, I know I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong of me to meddle-”

“Why did you do it then?” asked Taiga, cutting him. “Why would you tell my whereabouts to someone you don’t even know?”

“I may not know her that well, but I don’t think she means any harm,” he said defensively. “She just wants to give you something important,” which you’re burning right now, he wanted to add.

Taiga quirked an eyebrow. “And what made you think she doesn’t mean any harm? What’s your basis? Her beauty? Her tears?”

Hokuto swallowed the lump in his throat. Although Taiga was correct, he didn’t like that he came off as someone superficial who would be moved by a woman’s beauty. 

“I know you lost your memories, but how can you even think that way to a person who loves you?” He didn’t want to use Taiga’s amnesia against him, but surely, he was overreacting. 

“Do you know what I learned yesterday? I learned that it was Yugo’s senpai at work who told him that I was looking for a new place. That senpai knew my father, and it was my father who asked him if he knew someone trustworthy who was renting their place and could watch over me.”

Hokuto didn’t know why Taiga would tell him this. Basically, his father is looking out for the welfare of his son, so what’s the deal? But he let him continue. 

“Do you know what’s the hardest part of losing my memories?” 

“Uhm, not remembering important stuff,” he guessed. 

A long pause followed, Taiga taking an unenthusiastic drag of his cig before meeting his eyes. And the pain Hokuto saw is almost tangible. 

“It's paranoia. That feeling that everyone is hiding something from me. That they’re lying. And that I could never trust anyone - even those who claimed to love me.”

Hokuto had no words. The fire between them raged, which seemed to mirror what Taiga felt. 

“I just lost my memories, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t take care of myself, or that my judgment is flawed, and my feelings can’t be trusted. I’m not an invalid,” Taiga stated, looking so exhausted as he dropped his unfinished cigarette to the flame and zipped up his jacket.

“I don’t think this will burn Yugo’s house down, I’ll clean this up later,” he said. 

Hokuto watched Taiga go. Leaving the same gate he just entered, his knees buckled as he slumped to the ground. He wanted to run after Taiga and apologize when his phone rang. It was the same number he hated so much he memorized it. He should have understood Taiga when he chose not to give Kara his number. He shouldn’t have led her to him. Isn’t he in the same boat? Both of them were trying to avoid someone they used to chase. 

Used to love. 

The only difference is that Hokuto still remembers. 

[Singing]

“There’s nothing but lies

underneath those eyes

they seem collected and cool

but don’t let ‘em fool ya

the minute blood was spilt”

 

“What exactly happened?”

 

“I took a whiff sir

the woman reeked of guilt.”

 

“But thе killer?”

 

“It was her!”

 

Rounds of cheering and applause greeted Taiga and Shintaro as they finished their dress rehearsal. Catching his breath, Taiga is pleased to see their director smile for the first time since she cast Shintaro and him. She had been extra strict with both during their rehearsals, and to see her beaming was sort of a miracle and relief. He turned to his only co-star, Shintaro, whose bronze skin glowed after their performance. He smiled warmly at Taiga for a change, pulling him for a quick hug, before they bowed to their primarily invited audience. 

“You guys are phenomenal!” Their director exclaimed.

“Thank you,” they both said. 

“I hope the opening night and the next performances will be just as good, if not, better. Rest well tonight and I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Otsukaresama desu!” 

Still feeling high, Taiga greeted everyone with whom his eyes would connect. Some smiled widely back at him, some congratulated him in return, and others, like his understudy, just gave him a curt nod. Words left him when his eyes clocked on Hokuto, his smile faltered, and Taiga could only be thankful when Hokuto shifted his attention to arranging the fake books on the shelf they made. 

“Otsukaresama desu,” Jesse said gleefully and Taiga returned the pleasantries. The set that Jesse, Hokuto, and Juri did for their show was simply spectacular. They transformed the modest stage to that of a Gilded Age study room befitting a murdered great American writer. Taiga felt bad that their show would only have 6 runs. The set alone is a feast for the eyes and Taiga would make sure Shintaro and he would be a feast to the ears. 

Sighing, he left the stage toward the showers. He and Hokuto haven’t spoken since that night. And Taiga could only blame himself for misdirecting his anger. Although he was pissed with what Hokuto did, his anger dissipated after taking a long walk. He even started making excuses for Hokuto; like how Hokuto wouldn’t have known he was avoiding her, or Hokuto probably thought he was being helpful. But when Taiga’s pride and embarrassment slithered in, he found himself avoiding Hokuto instead of apologizing. He avoided looking at him, avoided being in the same room, and even avoided the seat Hokuto just sat on. He didn’t know whether he should be thankful or not, because Hokuto had been avoiding him as well.

“But why should I approach him first? He still shouldn’t have done that behind my back. And has he even apologized?”

He rubbed his hair with fervor. He should be relaxing instead of thinking about other stuff. The next 6 days would surely exhaust his vocal chords so he had to take it easy. He turned on the shower again, blasting it to the maximum for a quick rinse when in mere seconds, the water went from warm to ice cold. It made him yelp, quickly shutting the shower as shampoo foams slid down his face and body. His other hand groped for the towel behind him, but there was no towel, and he couldn’t recall if he ever brought one inside. 

Sighing and slightly shivering from the cold, he slid the glass door open, and immediately saw his towel and his dry clothes on the sink that was now overflowing with water.

He was no longer shaking from coldness as he approached the sink, he was trembling from anger. 

“Isn’t this deja vu ?” he thought.

The door opened, and of all the people who would see him naked and quivering, it had to be Hokuto. 

“Uhm, is everything okay?” Hokuto asked with reluctance as Taiga met his eyes through the foggy mirror. 

“I think I heard a scream.”

Taiga managed to let out a sigh of relief. Deep inside, he was grateful it was Hokuto who found him. They may not be friends, and they have even been avoiding each other, but Taiga is sure that Hokuto is not a foe.

“Can you get my bag in the locker?” He asked, turning off the faucet, and fishing for his keys into the overflowing sink. 

***

“Wow! Some people only age, but they never grow up! Immature pricks, we’re in fucking college, but kindergartens act better than them -” 

“Matsumura, please, stop!” Taiga muttered, catching his breath as he finally gained over Hokuto. The moment he finished dressing, he made the mistake of telling Hokuto what happened to him in the shower, and the next thing he knew, Hokuto literally sprinted from the theater to the faculty building. 

“I’m not hurt. I’m okay. There’s no need to make a big deal out of this.” 

Hokuto got more chagrined with what he said. “This is why bullies always get away! It is a big deal!” 

“And what will happen next?” Taiga argued, throwing his body between Hokuto and the door of the Faculty of Music. Their faces were inches from each other as he placed both of his hands on his chest. 

“The play we worked hard for might get canceled over this issue, the theater will get a bad rep, and the set you guys made might never see the light of the day. Those are bigger deals than this.” 

“Those are more important for you?” 

“Yes!” Taiga said, way stronger than what he wanted. “And I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but this happened before, and frankly, I understand why the person who did that, did it.”

Hokuto was literally shooting daggers with his eyes as Taiga reluctantly continued, “When I was an understudy, I replaced the main lead for one show, and after that I found my stuff thrown at that fountain with weird flowers.”

“Fountain of Iris,” Hokuto informed him, “And what they did is horrible!”

Taiga sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s a small world for us actors, and competition is high. It’s a matter of survival.”

“Are you saying you would have done the same thing?” 

“Of course not,” Taiga said, quite offended that Hokuto would lump him with the same person who did something moronic. “I’m not that petty, and I’m talented enough to get what I want.” 

Hokuto sighed. “It’s still wrong.”

“I never said it’s right, but we only have six shows. After that, I promise - I promise! I’ll do something about this. So, please, just for now, let it go.” 

The door to the faculty opened as Taiga was talking, Hokuto catching him before he could fall, and of all the professors, it had to be their musical director. 

“Taiga?” She looked inquiringly at the pair of them while they stood as though they were in the middle of waltzing, “And you’re Matsumura Hokuto, right?” 

Hokuto was the first to recover, pulling him to stand straight, but Taiga spoke quickly before Hokuto could say anything. 

“Uhm, t-they are wondering if their names would be credited for the set design? I mean, didn’t we always give-out pamphlets?”

Hokuto cocked an eyebrow at him, but he remained silent. 

“No need to worry about that. I have their names added as well as photos of their work. I’m actually on my way to the school’s publishing house to get the pamphlets I ordered to be printed,” she said. 

“Great!” Taiga said, smiling widely. “Then, we’ll be on our way now.” 

Hokuto refused to budge and Taiga did the unthinkable by kicking Hokuto’s shin, leaving him howling while Taiga dragged him away. 

“You have the nerve to kick me! How could you forgive them easily when you didn’t even speak to me after I told your girlfriend where to find you?”

Taiga paused, he looked back at Hokuto, who seemed shocked by what he just said. 

“Well, I’m speaking to you now, aren’t I?” 

“I - I guess.” 

“And weren’t you avoiding me as well?” 

“Uhm, well…” Hokuto avoided his gaze and sighed, “I’m - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that -”

“It’s okay now,” said Taiga. “I should apologize, too. I also said things that I shouldn’t, and it’s not your fault for not knowing my situation.” 

Their eyes met and they had a good chuckle as their faces turned slightly red. 

“I should really be resting my voice now,” he said, changing the topic to cover the awkwardness.

“Then, I’ll do the speaking from now on, you can just write your replies.”

“Hmmm, but writing takes too long. Ah, do you want to eat? I still owe you another meal.”

“On one condition.”

“Which is?”

“Let me treat you too once your musical is over.”

Taiga nodded, glad it wasn’t about the bullying issue. “I won’t say no to that. But I have to warn you, my appetite after the musical is like 10 people.”

Hokuto grinned. “My wallet will survive, you deserve to eat for 10 people!” 

“But I’ll feel bad, I’m older than you, I should be treating you.”

“If you put it that way, then, Yugo shouldn’t be charging us for rent, because he’s the oldest.”

Taiga grinned. He should apologize to Yugo, too. Taiga had gone cold with his landlord after learning what his dad did behind the scenes. Although Yugo swore that he never spoke with his father and that his senpai never asked for any reports or updates about his daily living. 

“Uhm, by the way,” said Hokuto, slowing his steps as they passed-by the western gate, “This might sound imprudent of me, but I just want to say - that you can trust me.”

You can trust me. 

The hustling traffic and pedestrians around them seemed suddenly muted as Taiga remained looking at Hokuto. He heard those words before. He heard them from the same voice. Words that gave him warmth and comfort when he thought it was his end. But try as he might, he couldn’t make out the face.

“I know that,” he said, smiling softly. He wasn’t angry at Hokuto for telling Kara where he was, he was pissed because he felt betrayed. Betrayed by the person he only just met.

“I promise that will never happen again - ah! The light’s green!” Hokuto grabbed his hand and they crossed the busy pedestrian hand in hand. 

If he were shivering from cold and anger earlier, a different kind of shiver went down his spine, making him hold Hokuto’s hand tighter, seeking a bit of assurance for he had no idea what to make of this feeling. 

***

Flowers were waiting for Taiga at the dressing room he shared with Shintaro the next afternoon. 

“Are those really just flowers? What if they put a poison ivy in disguise? Don’t touch or smell it,” Hokuto said warily, taking the flower from his dresser. 

“It’s okay,” Taiga assured Hokuto, taking the flower back. Hokuto insisted on playing his bodyguard, even though he told him that he was capable of taking care of himself. If Taiga were in a different situation, he would have found everything laughable. Hokuto is too serious. He watched everyone like a hawk, and even Shintaro was not spared from his scrutinizing eyes. 

“This is from my mother, she always sends me flowers on the first day of any musical I’m in,” he said, burying his nose in the delicate blue petals of forget-me-not, the flower that best describes the irony of his life.

“And this?” Hokuto asked, opening a box of mochi. 

“That’s from my father, let me eat one-”

“That could have been tampered with!” Hokuto cried, wrestling for the mochi that was already between his teeth, but the glutton in him managed to salvage a half. 

“Spit that out, there could have been poison!” Hokuto roared, glancing conspicuously at Shintaro.

“Who is this weirdo?” asked Shintaro as he continued doing his make-up. 

“It’s a long story. He’s my housemate, and he’s not always like this,” he said quietly. 

He turned to Hokuto, and made sure that he looked more upset than amused. “As I’ve said, it’s fine. I won’t die from mere poison,” he said with confidence. “Now, can you leave and take your seat with Jesse and Yugo? We need to get ready.”

“But-”

“Out! Now!” He said, pointing to the door. 

Hokuto looked like he wanted to argue, but he just sighed. “Okay. I’ll leave. Good luck with your play-”

Taiga gasped, and so did Shintaro. 

“Why? Did I say something wrong?”

“You don’t say that in the theater,” Taiga warned.

“What? Good-”

“No!” Taiga and Shintaro bellowed in unison. 

“You might as well just curse us,” said Shintaro. 

“Actually, cursing is preferable over what you just said,” countered Taiga. “So, just leave. I’ll see you later.”

Frowning and scratching his head, Hokuto left their dressing room, and Taiga quickly knocked on the wood, hoping that Hokuto’s “good luck” wouldn’t invite any bad luck. 

***

It was during the 12th song when Taiga felt it. A grumble. Slight farting that he had to amplify his voice for fear that the audience had heard the sound of a broken trumpet from his behind. 

“What’s wrong ?” Shintaro mouthed as he played the piano, while Taiga’s insides grumbled in more frequency. Beads of cold sweat formed on his forehead, and the tremors from the pit of his stomach were starting to affect his singing. 

He let out a sigh of relief during the instrumental break, he took a few swallows of his saliva and pinched his thigh hard. He is stronger than this. He lost almost 2 decades' worth of memories, losing his bowels on stage wouldn’t stop him. 

He took a deep breath as the instrumental break came to an end, and with renewed zeal, he sang to hold it all together. 

[Singing]

“ Though theft isn’t wholesome

I stealthily stole something

you left to look for

that infamous book for

which Arthur had gotten

to jot down his plot in

so what if I what if I what if I-”

He took a deep breath and finished,

“What if I 

What if I - did I say “stole”?

I meant, it was a present!

So what?”

***

Faces of pity, some pretense, others could be genuine, and low sniggers filled the party the moment Taiga entered the room. “Process of Elimination ”, Taiga managed to stay until that song before his farts turned to sharts. Shintaro stopped midway with his lines and signaled the curtains to be drawn, and Taiga didn’t need coaxing as he ran to the toilets. 

The play resumed after Taiga dumped everything he could, and surprisingly, no one went home. When Shintaro and he sang, “A Friend Like You”, it just felt different. More meaningful. Maybe it was the case only for him. But with his own “process of elimination”, Taiga could only conclude one thing.

The perp hasn’t changed their MO. 

“Thank you for coming and for staying, senpai,” he said as he approached Kazuma Kiryu, offering him a glass of wine. Kiryu is his theater senpai who is now in his graduating year. He and three of his minions were in their exclusive circle, their annoyingly superior faces all scrunched and covering their noses, as though Taiga was carrying a bucket of poop instead of a wine glass. 

“I don’t really drink white wine,” he said.

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t have any laxatives in it,” he said with determined calm. 

One of Kiryu’s minions, whom Taiga knew by his nickname as Gel-san, probably because of his excessive usage of hair gel, was immediately on the defense. 

“As expected, amateurs would look for someone to blame, instead of their unprofessionalism. Why would you even eat a mochi before a-”

A wisp of cold air blew among them and Taiga managed a chuckle at their stupidity. 

“Thank you for confirming what I suspected.” 

“T-that-”

“But don’t worry, I’m no narc, just as I won’t tell how one of you here threw my stuff in the fountain,” he said, glancing at the only blond in the circle. He saw him doing the deed that day, and coincidentally, he is also Taiga’s understudy in his current musical. 

“...That one time I was ordered to do what an understudy must do.”

His eyes are now fixed on their leader, Kiryu, and Taiga is unstoppable as he raises his chin mutinously.

“You assholes might be my seniors in this Uni, but I’m fucking older than any one of you.”

Their jaws dropped.

“If you want me to stop singing, you have to cut-off my vocal cords. I’m sure you guys have also experienced diarrhea. It’s so simple. I pooped and flushed, but I would keep on eating. It would never stop me.”   

“You think you’re so great?” Kiryu asked, suppressed anger evident in his voice.

“Yes, I am!” he retorted. “I heard you’re auditioning for NEWSIES at Theater Royale?”

Kiryu’s face went pale. “And what of it?” 

“Watch me take it from you,” he declared. 

He whirled around and saw the entire room in silence. Their eyes were all on them, and Taiga didn’t have time for regret or embarrassment. He had no idea how much the other guests heard, but he held his head high as he passed-by their musical director. 

“Excuse me, I can’t stay long, I think I’m having another emergency,” he said and left.

***

“It’s - just - h-half - of - mochi. Why - why is there - still - so- so many?” Relief flooded him with another release as he flushed the toilet for the nth time. His face resembles someone by the death door while he stared at his reflection as he washed his hands. 

“Don’t!” Taiga warned as Hokuto was ready with a bottle of Pocari outside. Hokuto hasn’t stopped gloating about how he was right all along that the mochi were tampered with. 

“Why are you standing outside?”

“Because you’ve been hoarding the toilet since we arrived and we also need it. Shouldn’t you be going to the hospital?”

Taiga shook his head. “Nah, I’ll be fine.” 

He returned to the dining room, smiling as Hokuto cried murder over the noxious smell he left. 

“I should have told him not to go in yet,” said Taiga as he ate a piece of grilled beef. Since he didn’t get to stay at his musical’s opening after-party, Yugo suggested doing it in his house instead. Taiga was hoping to invite Shintaro, but they were not at that level yet. He already met Hokuto and Yugo’s common friend, Jesse. A giant half-American was Taiga’s first thought, and this was the first time he saw Jesse with Yugo despite his size, Jesse acted like a child in need of feeding. He also met Juri, whom Taiga thought was oozing with swag, and he took a rain check for this dinner since he had a date.

“I still can’t believe Kiryu would do something like that,” said Jesse, drinking what looked like his 6th beer, “even if his friends did it, I’m sure he knew about it. But why? I think he’s better than - no offense,” he said, looking apologetically at Taiga.  

“None taken,” said Taiga, grabbing another beef from the grill, “Even I admit that he is better than me - technicality and experience-wise.”

“But jealousy is evil,” quipped Hokuto as he took a seat, “One could be blind to their own merit because they were too busy comparing themselves to someone else’s.”

“That’s deep, bro,” said Jesse, and Taiga agreed in awe. 

“I was never into musicals until I met Jesse,” said Yugo slowly, his eyes telling he should be sleeping now instead of grilling meat for a bunch of college students, “But when I was still at the Uni, the theater was closed for like a month.”

“Why?”

“They said it was to repair exhaust and vents, but later on, it was revealed that the lead of an upcoming musical almost got carbon monoxide poisoning.” 

“And this Kiryu was probably behind it?” asked Hokuto, looking wary.

“He wasn’t an understudy, but he did audition for the role. He was still a freshie at that time.”

“He’s mental!” Taiga concluded. “Imagine being that hype-up for a university production? Not that I’m belittling it,” he added quickly. 

“But I’m terrified of his future theater group. There’ll be murders for sure.”

“How about for yourself? You basically declared war on him!” said Hokuto, staring anxiously at him.

Taiga paused as it dawned on him what could be the consequences of what he did.

“I don’t care,” he said smoothly, ignoring the shock in their faces. 

“How can you not care-” A loud thud disrupted Hokuto, and they all looked at Yugo, whose head hit the table upon falling asleep.

“Salarymen really have it tough,” he said, sighing as Jesse volunteered to take Yugo to his room.

“Nada,” said Hokuto, “I’m under strict orders by my landlord that if he fell drunk, I should be bringing him up to his room.”

Jesse looked like he wanted to argue, but gave in. “Fine. Take him to his room then.” 

Hokuto looked at Taiga, who had just taken on the role of the beef griller. 

“Help me - please.” 

Taiga sighed. “I’m sure Jesse is more able than me.” 

Jesse smirked while Hokuto made puppy eyes at him. 

“But fine. Let’s bring him up.” 

Both of them were short of breath when they finally laid Yugo on his bed, and none of them got up quickly, preferring to lay side-by-side with their landlord while they caught their breath. 

“Why won’t Yugo let Jesse in his room? I doubt he’ll do anything bad,” asked Taiga after a while. His landlord’s room is so clean and it smells fresh, he actually wants to sleep there. 

“Pure speculation, but since Jess likes Yugo, and I heard he already rejected Jesse’s feelings twice. I think our landlord just wants to keep his distance.”

Taiga scoffed. “Keep his distance but would watch a play with him? Grill beef for him? Isn’t he leading him on?” 

“Again, I’m just speculating here, but I think our landlord also likes him, but since we’re still in college, he didn’t want to get in the way of his studies.” 

“Well – that makes more sense. He’s keeping his distance for Jesse to grow, but at the same time, not completely letting him go,” mused Taiga. Yugo and he are just 9 months apart, but Yugo is definitely miles apart in maturity.

Someone’s phone started buzzing, and he saw Hokuto bring his phone to his face, but instead of answering, he just stared at the screen, and let it ring. 

When the buzzing stopped, Yugo’s arms and legs were now splayed on Taiga. 

“Uhm, it’s okay if you want to take the call. I’ll stay here for a while.” 

“It’s not that I can’t take the call, I just don’t want to take it,” said Hokuto as he sat up, “Compared to Yugo, this is one I’ve let go. Excuse me,” he finished and left the room. 

Taiga sighed and took out his phone from his pocket. He opened his LINE account and was greeted with a gazillion unread messages from his supposed girlfriend. He was so brave earlier against Kiryu, but he didn’t have the gumption to even read Kara’s messages. 

He sighed once more as Yugo started snoring. Having a girlfriend has been a huge surprise for him, a hot one at that. It made him think that at one time, fate had been on his side. 

Or maybe, fate had never been on his side. It only chose to tease him, giving him a taste of love, before erasing everything. Life was never really like the movies. He had probably seen all movies and dramas with an amnesia trope, which was always the same. There would always be that “My mind has forgotten you, but my heart has not”, but after reading all those letters he wrote for Kara, not a single one of them lit something in him.

He opened one of Kara’s many messages. Although his circumstances weren’t Kara’s fault, he couldn’t be like Yugo to Jesse. Whether he liked it or not, he already let her go the moment his memories were gone, and he didn't think he wanted to create new memories with her. 

One would think Jesse and Juri were watching their phone as they replied in lightning-flash speed the moment Hokuto messaged them using his new number. 

“Yo! Finally!” Juri replied. 

“Alright, welcome to the new era!” joked Jesse.

“Noted.” Yugo’s short reply after a while. Yugo and Taiga were still asleep when Hokuto left that morning. 

“But why?” Taiga asked.

Hokuto was composing his reply when Taiga sent another message. 

“JK, you don’t need to answer that

Jwu

Wru?”

Hokuto changed the message and sent, “Having lunch.”

“On your own?”   

“Yep.”

“Yugo is cooking his version of hangover soup. Will be doing my laundry all day.”

“I’ll do my laundry after you, probably tonight.” 

“I’ll be washing all my black clothes, do you want to add some of yours?”

Hokuto almost agreed until he recalled it would be embarrassing for Taiga to wash his undergarments. 

“Thanks but no need for that.”

“OK. Soups done. See you later!” 

“See you later.” He turned off his phone screen after sending the message, and caught his reflection that resembled a smiling stingray - if stingrays ever smiled. 

He resumed eating his brunch; grilled fish, rolled egg, miso soup, and a generous serving of rice. He thought he would feel bad, or have some sort of regret, or sense of loss after changing his number that had been part of him for a long time. Surprisingly, he felt relieved. Jesse and Juri were right, he should have changed his number a long time ago, his pride be damned. 

The sky was gray when he left home, but he was now squinting in the glaring sunlight. He stopped by a bookstore to buy the latest edition of IDEA and Casa Brutus magazines, and on his way home, he debated whether to buy his housemates those popular brioche donuts. He could see the long line as he approached the shop, a knot of people forming at the storefront as non-locals would stop to check what were people lining-up for. He was so busy contemplating, that it was too late when he heard someone shout, “Move away!”. Before he could check, he found himself pushed to the side as a bicyclist went careening past him, and into the long line of customers. Some managed to scurry from harm’s way, but some weren’t too lucky as the bicycle and the bicyclist toppled over them.

“Are you okay?” asked an older-looking woman, Hokuto assumed she must be the one who pushed him to the side. A kid nearby started wailing, while others were quick with their phones, calling for emergency services. 

“Are you okay?” She repeated, lightly patting his cheek, spreading the warmth of her palms to his cold face.

“I’m okay,” he said. His voice was so small, he didn’t think the woman heard him as she fumbled for her phone in her bag. He blinked blearily, while he felt like something was blocking his ears, and the only loud sound he could hear was the rhythmic pounding of his heart and pulse as his breathing turned ragged. 

“You should lie down, I think you’re in shock,” she said. “Where’s your phone? Is there someone I can call for you?” She asked, but before he could reply, the sunlit surroundings turned gray again, and everything else went black. 

***

Hokuto woke-up from the cacophony of voices and beeping machines. He let his eyes adjust to the brightness of the room, cube-white ceilings greeted him, before his eyes connected to an arguing couple while their kid stared morosely at them while in bed.

“How do you feel?” 

He slowly turned his head, and a doctor in blue scrubs and white coat approached him with a look of concern. 

“Sensei ?” 

A female nurse approached the doctor, and gave him a file, before addressing Hokuto, “We already called your guardian and they’re on their way.” 

Hokuto sighed and quickly looked for his phone to tell his parents that he was okay and they didn’t need to come. 

“Everything looks good,” the doctor said, closing his file with a snap, “Probably just shock, some sort of PTSD. I can make a referral to a psychologist if you want.” 

Hokuto forgot all about contacting his parents as he looked up to the doctor. 

“What do you mean, sensei?” 

The doctor looked a bit puzzled with his reaction, and checked his chart again. “Your name is Matsumura Hokuto?”

Hokuto nodded.

“Hmmm, based on your records, you’ve been here before.”

“I was?”

“You were airlifted here because of an accident. Coincidentally, you were riding your bike at that time, and today, you almost got run over by a bicycle. I assume it must have brought back some - shocking experience.” 

“I wasn’t shocked, just - surprised,” he said quietly, making a sweeping glance at the busy emergency room as the haze in his brain started clearing. 

“So I’m here again,” he murmured. Reflexively, his hand went to his right inner thigh, stroking a linear scar that was a reminder of that unfortunate accident. He got saved - again. Was he wrong for standing idly by the sidewalk? Did someone have to die because of his abrupt decisions?

“Uhm, did - did anyone die?” He asked with hesitation, his heart rate increasing just by the thought of it. “Is everyone okay? The bicyclist, is he alright? And the woman - the woman who helped me, is she okay? Is she here?” 

“About the bicyclist, he is okay,” the doctor replied after a long pause as though he was contemplating how much information he should share. 

“Fracture was suspected, so he was just sent for an MRI,” the doctor said and turned to look at the family of three across from them, “the kid who was run over is also okay, a few scratches but no fracture or internal bleeding. We’ve also treated a couple more patients, nothing serious and they’ve been sent home. As for the woman who helped you, let me ask the nurse about that and she’ll get back to you.”

Relief flooded in him as he sighed. “I’m glad everyone is okay - alive.”

The doctor nodded. “Do you still want a referral?”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine,” he said, hopeful as his hand remained on his inner thigh, trying to shake-off a harrowing memory that wanted to creep in.

***

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m okay,” Hokuto repeated for the nth time as his parents dropped him off at the sharehouse. He insisted his parents go home instead of inviting them inside. He didn’t want to invite questions from Yugo and Taiga on how his supposed errand outside ended-up in an Emergency Room with his parents fetching and dropping him off.

The unmistakable smell of cigarettes was present in the air as he entered the gate, and sure enough, Taiga was out on the lawn. 

“Tadaima.”

Taiga smiled. “Okaeri. I’m done with my laundry, you can do yours.”

“I’ll probably do mine tomorrow.” All his plans for today had changed, and he felt nothing but fatigue. He stood beside Taiga, hating the smoke, but craving for some company. Even wickedly wishing he also smoked just to take some of the edge. 

“Going out?” He asked, noticing Taiga was wearing a coat. 

Taiga nodded. “I’ll be meeting Kara.” 

The weariness he felt just increased two-fold. “Ah, uhm, say hi to her for me.”

Taiga looked at him as though he said something ridiculous as his lips curled. “If you say so.”

Taiga continued to smoke, while Hokuto stood there like a smoker trying to quit, but wanting his fix indirectly. Taiga would exhale the smoke away from him, but Hokuto would turn his face for a whiff, prompting Taiga to offer him a stick. 

“Oh no, I hate smoke,” he said, knowing how ridiculous he sounded when he voluntarily stood next to a smoker. 

Taiga didn’t push and none of them spoke afterward. Both of them seemed lost in their thoughts. The temperature dropped lower, and the afternoon passed as quickly as a lit Sobranie, its ashes a reminder of their wasted time. 

“I’ve got to go,” said Taiga, glancing at his phone to check the time. 

Hokuto nodded and added with hesitation, “Have fun.”

Taiga sighed, flicking a finger on his forehead that sent mini-shockwaves on his head.

“Ouch! What did you do that for?” He cried, massaging his forehead.

Taiga smirked. “I don’t know what happened, but everything will be okay,” he said, planting a kiss on his reddened forehead. 

“Mata ne, Hokuto. ” 

Taiga was gone like the smoke he puffed, but the smell remained like the imprint of his lips on his forehead. Heat dispersed from his face down to his limbs, while he heard nothing but the rhythmic thumping of his heart and pulse. Maybe he’s going into shock again, but compared to the weariness he felt earlier, the smiling stingray is back on his face. 

***

“So unfair! You should complain. I will complain if you won’t,” Hokuto complained. 

Taiga’s musical ended without any untoward incident, and Hokuto prepared for this day to fulfill his promise and treat Taiga to a meal. However, as with a lot of things in his life lately, most of them didn’t go exactly as planned. 

When Taiga said his appetite is for 10 people, he didn’t expect Juri, Jesse, and Yugo to join his treat for Taiga. Not only did his friends fail to read the room, but Taiga also dragged his co-star, Shintaro, who just ordered a meal that was good for two. Next was the main thing he’d been fuming about. Those who bullied Taiga were suspended from ever participating in any theater activities. For Hokuto, it wasn’t much of a penalty since those guys were already graduating students, but what he thought was unfair was Taiga getting suspended from the theater until January next year. 

“I did object, but I’m not being too optimistic,” said Taiga, giving the energy that it wasn’t much of a big deal on his part.

“I will boycott the theater,” Shintaro said in support of Taiga. “You were suspended for talking down to your seniors and promoting dissonance within the performing arts community?” He added in verbatim, which meant he also read the memo, “BS. Complete BS.” 

“Please, don’t boycott the theater, there’s not much like us,” Taiga said.

“And yet they chose to suspend you,” Hokuto argued, “That Kazuma Kiryu definitely pulled some strings.” 

“Why are you more peeved than Kyomoto here?” asked Juri, “Are you his boyfr - manager?”

Hokuto widened his eyes at Juri, he didn’t miss that verbal blunder, which was definitely far from innocent. 

“I don’t want to provoke things further,” said Yugo, “But Kazuma came from a long-line of notable alumni, starting with his great grandfather with whom one of the buildings was named.” 

Juri and Shintaro gasped with realization. “Kazuma Film and New Media Institute!” 

“Pffft, so he’s just a nepo baby,” muttered Hokuto.

“It’s fine!” said Taiga, gently patting his shoulder, “I would just  treat this as a sign to really audition for NEWSIES.” 

“And goad Kazuma Kiryu further, are you insane?” Hokuto whined, while Juri looked more and more amused. He even began eating the appetizer like popcorn.

“I am insane,” Taiga declared proudly, “One can’t be sane and be in the theater.”

“Spoken like a true artist,” said Shintaro, raising his iced tea for a toast, and Hokuto was beginning to dislike Shintaro and his thick eyebrows. 

Their orders arrived. Everyone is thanking Taiga for the meal and Hokuto doesn’t want to be petty by saying that he is the one paying. However, all his worries were forgotten as the luxurious smell of kabayaki filled their private room, and with just a bite, Hokuto could feel his body getting revitalized. The chakra flows swiftly along his body as though he is Naruto and he just summoned Kurama. 

Halfway through the meal, Shintaro clapped his hands. “You have good taste, Kyomo. This is chef's kiss!”

Hokuto almost sneered so he stuffed his mouth with rice. Did Shintaro just call Taiga with a nickname? Since when? 

Yugo and Jesse also agreed to Shintaro’s praises, Juri just nodded and turned to look maliciously at Hokuto. 

“Do you eat here frequently?” Hokuto asked instead. 

“I do,” he said, nodding. “I made it a point to eat here after the musical is completed. I was told eel was good for stamina, but I later learned that they were referring to a different kind of stamina,” he finished with a knowing smile and Juri immediately gobbled his meal. 

“If you audition for NEWSIES, will you try out for Jack?” Shintaro asked.

“I think I have more chances in supporting roles. I want to try Crutchie.”

“Why not try both? Try for Davey as well,” suggested Shintaro.

“Davey’s good, too! All of them are required to have a top vocal range of A4.”

“You can absolutely nail that range!” Jesse joined in.

“Do you really think so? There’s an age requirement though…”

The unagi might be superb, but Hokuto found himself deflating as he listened more to their conversation. He had no idea what they were talking about and he never felt so ignorant. He made a mental note to search about NEWSIES later and everything theater-related. But underneath that mental note, a question pops up, and that is ‘Why must he?' .

“Matsumura? Matsumura-”

“Awww – Hmmm? Sorry, mind’s elsewhere,” he said, gritting his teeth after Juri kicked him under the table. 

“I was asking, do you like the unagi?” asked Taiga. 

Hokuto nodded with enthusiasm. “It’s so soft, it literally melts in my mouth.” 

Taiga beamed. “Nice to know that.”

“Hokuto likes most Japanese foods,” said Juri, “Well, except for shrimp, he is allergic to shrimp.” 

“Oh, you are? Glad I didn’t choose a tempura place.” 

Hokuto simply smiled. 

“He likes a lot of healthy stuff, too, like nato, tofu, soya, and so on,” added Jesse, and Hokuto remained smiling. He had no idea why his friends were suddenly talking about his likes and dislikes. 

“Ah! That’s why you make a smoothie every morning - and your skin glows,” Yugo complimented. 

“But he hates tomatoes,” said Juri, “he can’t stand it.” 

Hokuto nodded, squirming just at the thought of eating a tomato. 

“Tomatoes are good, it’s my fave,” said Taiga and Hokuto almost spewed his tea. 

“I see…” Hokuto glared at Juri, and the latter just shrugged his shoulders. “I’m - I’m trying to like tomatoes,” he added. “I think it’s good to add to my smoothie.” 

Taiga frowned. “It’s fine, I don’t think your smoothie recipe is lacking.” 

Hokuto was planning to hopelessly protest when Yugo cuts in, “By the way, is Natsushima still in Japan? I think I saw her earlier. She didn’t take a seat and just stood by the sides.” 

One could hear a pin drop with the silence that followed as Hokuto exchanged awkward glances with Jesse and Juri.

“Uhm, may I ask who Natsushima is?” asked Shintaro, 

“Taiga’s girlfriend,” Yugo answered. 

“Ehhh?” 

“Not anymore,” Taiga said quietly, his voice drowned by Shintaro’s gobsmacked reaction, while Hokuto’s neck almost snapped as he looked at him to check if he misheard him. 

“Wait - what did you say?” Yugo clarified. 

Hokuto could feel his ears expanding as he waited for Taiga to speak. He could see the reluctance in Taiga’s face to share something personal, but Hokuto wanted to be selfish. He wanted to know - he needed to know. 

Taiga sighed, “We’ve parted ways.” 

“Oh! Uhm, sorry for asking,” said Yugo. 

Taiga slowly shook his head. “It’s okay. Not like it changes anything if we’re still together.” 

The lingering awkwardness was broken with a knock on their private room, the server came in with a tray of desserts, and Jesse’s dad pun on their mango tapioca and broke the iciness with chuckles with Shintaro as the loudest. 

***

“Hi, I would like to settle the payment for Room 6,” said Hokuto. He made an excuse to go to the toilet, but went to pay for their orders instead. He decided to pay ahead after Taiga had been insisting he’d pay for this meal instead since he was the one who invited Juri, Jesse, Yugo, and Shintaro. 

“Room 6? Wait, let me get me Mom,” the high school kid said, looking a bit pissed his gaming was disrupted, taking his Switch with him as he disappeared behind the curtain. Hokuto started counting his cash when he heard his name called by a familiar voice. Goosebumps appeared in his arms, and his heart started racing as the smell of Marc Jacobs’s Daisy drifted toward him. 

“Hokuto? Is that you?”

With bated breath, he turned to face the woman he so badly wanted to avoid.

“Rumi,” he said, mentioning her name in the most uncaring way possible.

Rumi smiled. The same cheerleader smile he once fell in love with.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” she said, giving him a once-over, “Did you change your number? I’ve been calling you, but lately, I could no longer reach you. Is there something wrong?” She asked, “Or - is there someone who will get jealous if you answer my call?” She added, a corner of her lips quirked as though she found that thought laughable. 

“I did get your calls,” he said calmly, he didn’t want her to see how she could still affect him, “But I thought it was a mistake, after all, aren’t you married?”

Thus, the main reason he finally stopped pinning for her. Her marriage. She married someone 5 years older than her, whom she had known for like 3 months. It was like a slap to his face. He needed to accept the truth, he was someone she wanted, but never needed. Or worse, he was someone she took advantage of because he fed her ego and made her his queen. 

She giggled, but Hokuto could see the discomfort in her eyes. 

“My husband wouldn’t mind me talking to a friend.”

“A friend? ” He wanted to sneer. Being called her friend would be like an insult.

“You used to answer with just one ring, I really need someone to talk to -”

“Is your husband mute or deaf you can’t speak to him?” He interrupted. “Even if he is, I’m sure you have other friends.” He turned his back, ringing the bell furiously on the register because he didn’t want to wait longer. 

“They don’t understand me like you do,” she said, and Hokuto could feel her tugging at his sweater, “You - you were the only one who really cared for me. Hokkun, let’s not be hard on each other, I know you still care -”

He whirled around. How dare she call him by that nickname? He gently removed her hand from his sweater as he was torn between guilt and rising irritation. “Haven’t I made myself clear before?” 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m done being your emotional dumpster.” 

“Hokkun!” She gasped, giving a little laugh, “You know that’s not true-”

“Hokuto?”

Hokuto screamed, “Fuck!” on his head when Taiga appeared. 

“I knew you would sneak out to pay,” said Taiga, barely throwing Rumi a glance as he approached him, “But I’m one-step ahead of you.” 

“Uhm, what do you mean?” 

The curtains parted again and the high school kid was now with a woman, whom he assumed was his mom. Her exhausted face lightened upon seeing Taiga. 

“Kyomoto-san, are you going to order more?” 

“No, we’re good.”

“If there’s no additional orders, then, let me look for your card-”

“There’s no need to swipe his card,” Hokuto protested and the woman seemed surprised he existed, “I’ll pay in cash.” 

“Ahhh, errr, it’s okay, Kyomoto-san has paid for everything,” she replied, before giving back Taiga’s black credit card with a huge smile. “Thank you, hope to see you again.” 

“You know I will,” he said, before turning at him with a smirk, “Did I forget to say I’m a regular here?” 

“But I promise to treat you-”

“We can just go out again - just the two of us,” said Taiga, and all of Hokuto’s objections had been quelled with just the promise of spending another meal with Taiga. 

“Kyomoto Taiga?” said Rumi. “The Kyomoto Taiga?”

“Do we know each other?” Taiga asked slowly, turning to him for help, but he had no idea how to introduce Rumi without attaching himself.

“I’m your kouhai ,” said Rumi sweetly. “I was part of the cheerleading-”

“Sorry,” cuts Taiga, “I don’t remember you at all.”

Hokuto feigned a cough. He knew Taiga meant it literally and innocently, and it mildly pleased him to see Rumi’s face fall from being brushed off. 

“O-of course, I’m probably not that familiar to you, you were too busy as an upperclassman, but-” her eyes shifted between him and Taiga, “-you two know each other? Since when? How?” 

Taiga replied before he could. “You two know each other? Since when? How?”

Rumi appeared appalled at having her question returned to her.  

“Uhm, Hokuto and I are from the same batch.”

“I see,” Taiga said chillingly, “Well, are you still catching-up or something? We need to leave,” he added with a strong emphasis on “we need to leave” , and he didn’t wait for Rumi’s reply as he pulled him away. 

***

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” whispered Taiga when they were out of earshot. 

Hokuto sighed. “It’s okay, we were talking by the exit anyway so I’m not expecting any privacy.”

“Uhm, so is she - is she the one you chose to let go?”

They paused by the door of their private room as Taiga gazed apologetically at him.

“Yes, she is,” he said, sighing, “And it’s not a big deal anymore.”

“I don’t know what really happened, but it's her loss.”

Hokuto smiled sheepishly. He never thought of himself as quite a catch compared to Taiga. He is as normal as the next normal person.

“Since we’re both single, we should date.”

His neck, again, almost snapped as he turned to Taiga, who chuckled at his reaction.

“Well, not to each other,” he said, giggling as he opened the door to their room.

Hokuto’s heart nearly stopped from Taiga’s joke as they were greeted with friendly chaos. The guys were around Jesse, laughing hysterically at something on his phone. 

“Oi! Come and see this!” Shintaro called. 

He watched Taiga approach the guys, while thinking if he should have his heart checked because he seemed to be having tachycardia episodes lately. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and when he reached the guys, he caught a glimpse of his reflection on the lacquered table, and the stingray looked extra happy today. 

“Kyomoto Taiga?”

“Kyomoto Taiga.” 

“KYOMOTO TAIGA.”

Taiga opened his eyes and slapped himself on the face as he stood up. 

“Me! I’m here!”

Flashing a smile, he was ushered into a labyrinth of rooms at Theater Royale until he reached a floor-to-ceiling black curtain. He was told to wait for it to open and walk to the “x” mark on the stage.  

He let out a sigh and waited. He could hear a female voice singing behind the curtain, while his thoughts were brought back to the reason why he didn’t get enough sleep. Although his memories were wiped out, there was something constant that revisited him in his dreams, and that was the final moment before his car accident. It had been so long since he dreamt about it, and he woke up drenched in cold sweat in the middle of the night. 

The curtains parted, and he marched stiffly on the “x” mark on the stage while rubbing his arms. He could still feel it; the chilling wind gliding on his arms as he drove at a breakneck speed, and the adrenaline rush as it pumped in his veins. For years, he was in the dark about why he did such recklessness, but now he knew. It was because of Kara. 

“Ehem.” 

Taiga looked up and saw four members of the panel. He’d been at the Theater Royale as an audience before, and as he stood in the middle, the colossal theater with its signature red plush seats and gold-gilded ceilings made him feel small and almost insignificant. It didn’t help that the four-man panel looked like they were already judging him from the get-go. One of them is even a foreigner, a white man with blond hair, red-framed glasses, and an amiable face. He looks familiar but Taiga can’t place where he has seen him. 

He cleared his throat, thinking if he should apologize for being lost in thought, but he decided to just dive in. “Hello, I’m Kyomoto Taiga and I’m here to audition for Crutchie.”

“It says here you’re 24?” said the only woman in the panel. Her rectangular reading glasses rested on the apex of her nose, which made her look like she was looking down on him. Or maybe she is. 

Taiga nodded feebly, he knew full well that they wanted Crutchie to be in the age range of 18 to 21. 

“I’ll be turning 24 this December.”

“His looks are still passable for the age range, I’ll give him a pass,” the foreigner said in English. Taiga barely understood him, but he knew what “pass” could mean and as the other three panelists nodded, he knew he still had a chance. 

“He said your looks can still pass as 18 to 21, so let’s hear you sing.” 

Taiga nodded as the pianist on stage started playing the opening notes of “Letter to the Refuge”, Crutchie’s solo song in NEWSIES. 

“Dear Jack, greetings from the refuge,” he started and sighed in awe, his voice sounded so big and it excited him as he continued,  

“…how are you? I'm okay

Guess I wasn't much help yesterday

 

Snyder soaked me real good with my crutch

Oh yeah, Jack, this is Crutchie, by the way…”

“Okay, thank you.”

“That’s it?” Taiga thought as he remained standing while the panel discussed something among themselves. He turned to look at the pianist, hoping for some signal if he should walk out or stay, but the pianist was busy with his iPad. 

He sighed. Although he auditioned out of spite rather than of a dream, he still felt bad to be coldly rejected. Pursing his lips, he turned to leave when someone spoke in English, “How about you sing another song?”

He turned to look at the panel. He understood that well, and the foreigner smiled at him as though there was something so amusing about him, while the other three maintained their resting bitch faces. 

“Perhaps, Something to Believe in? ” The man on the far left suggested. Unlike the other three, he was wearing a wool coat even though the theater was a bit hot.  

“That?” Taiga only listened to the song in passing fancy, he didn’t even know the lyrics, or how it should be sung. 

“You don’t know the song?” The woman asked, or more like, mocked him for it. 

After a bit of hesitation, he asked, “Can I - at least look at the lyrics?” 

The woman raised an eyebrow but the gentleman nodded curtly. His fingers trembled as he searched for the lyrics on his phone. He knows he is screwed, he will never get the role. But “Ignorance is Bliss” for someone who lost his memories. No fear or embarrassing moments could deter him from cracking on.

He turned to the pianist and nodded, while carefully, he watched the pianist hit the keys. He took a deep breath as he started singing in the female's key. 

“ Til the moment I found you

I thought I knew what love was

Now I'm learning what is true

That love will do what it does

The world finds ways to sting you

And then one day decides to bring you…”

 

He took a deep breath, glad he just played different characters in his previous musical, as he would now shift to Jack’s lines. 

“ We was never meant to meet

And then we meet

 

Who knows why

One more stranger on the street

Just someone sweet passing by

An angel come to save me

Who didn't even know she gave me…”

“Thank you for that,” the man interrupted. “You’ve never been to any musical - professionally?” 

Taiga let out a deep breath before replying, “Yes, that’s correct.”

“It shows,” said the woman, looking so unimpressed, “Your vowels are wonky.”

“Still a greenhorn, but I admire your tenacity, and I can’t lie that you have a voice suited for theater,” said the other man between the woman and the man with a coat. He has bushy eyebrows, so bushy it gave the appearance of a unibrow. 

“Greenhorn with a very interesting voice,” said the foreigner, still smiling widely at Taiga, “You have a distinct voice with a deep timbre. Where did you get your training?”

“Uhm, I’m studying music right now, but on formal training, I - I only attended a few workshops,” he replied shyly. 

All of them raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re like a diamond in the rough, and I think more lessons would polish what you have now. I’m interested to see how much you’ll improve.”

Taiga simply smiled as the woman translated, her face displayed displeasure with every word she uttered.

“Thank you,” he said in his modest English, beaming at the foreign member of the panel. 

“Next,” said the woman. Taiga made a graceful bow, before making his exit. 

***

Taiga kept his eyes peeled on the swing hangers as the swing rocked back and forth. He didn’t know if he should be hearing that constant clanker, there were no signs on how much weight the swing could handle, or maybe, signs weren’t needed because it should be common sense. The public playground was made for kids and not a soon-to-be 24-year-old adult contemplating his next move. 

He felt an added weight just dropped, and he smiled seeing Hokuto take the other swing. 

“I haven’t seen you lately,” said Taiga, and Hokuto smiled lazily. 

“Been busy.”

“I passed by the gym earlier, you were outside airbrushing a paper mache?” 

“Ah - that’s a pumpkin supposedly, it’s Halloween tomorrow and also the Freshies Welcome Party.” 

Taiga sighed. “Time flies - and Freshie’s Welcome Party? Shouldn’t that happen every spring?” He recalled not attending his welcome party by faking a hay fever.

“It should have, but because the Uni changed presidents earlier this year, a lot of our Supreme Student Council projects were delayed and so.”

Taiga nodded. He could see in Hokuto’s eyes that he wanted nothing but to doze off. 

“Let’s go home,” he said, standing up, “It’s getting colder.” 

“Are you sure? You look like you were enjoying the swing.” Asked Hokuto as he rose, and put on his backpack. 

“Nah, I was more concerned if it could take my weight. Have you had dinner?” He asked instead. 

Hokuto nodded. “I did. Food is basically what the student council is giving us as payment.” 

“I see.”

“How about you?”

“I ate at that tonkatsu place, next street after the playground. Yugo said he will also be late.” 

Hokuto nodded. “Uhm, I heard they invited you to sing…?”

“They did, but I told them I’m suspended.”

“But weren’t you only suspended from theater activities?”

Taiga smirked and confessed, “I didn’t even attend my freshman party, there’s no way I would also attend this even as a guest.”

Hokuto grinned. “Yeah, I totally get you. Oh, how’s your audition for that Newsies?”

“I’m not expecting anything from it,” he said with a sigh. “As one of the jurors said, I’m a greenhorn.”

“You never know.”

“Nah. But I have a line-up.” He took out his phone and showed Hokuto his audition calendar. “I’m trying out everything I can.”

Hokuto scoffed. “And you were belittling your suspension? You clearly care.”

Taiga sighed once more. “Of course, I care,” he admitted, “Theater is the only thing I know now, I will be lost without it.” Theater became his fallback after his life paused and took a detour. Aside from theater, he has nothing else. He will be a body without a soul. 

“I hope you get a role from those you’ll be auditioning for. I still owe you a meal, right? Let’s make it two if you manage to snag one,” Hokuto offered, both of them catching their breath as they reached the top of a 36-step staircase, a shortcut to Yugo’s place. 

“Uhm, can I request something else?” he asked, biting his lips.

“What is it?”

“Uhm, I don’t want to jinx it yet, but can I tell you later? After I got a role from the musicals’ I’m trying-out for.”

Hokuto looked dubious. “Should I be scared? Is it something so expensive I might have to use my tuition for?”

Taiga chortled. “Nah, it’s something - something simple, but usable, and most of all, memorable.” 

“That sounds harder,” said Hokuto, now looking pressured which made Taiga a bit guilty. 

“Sorry - let’s just go out for a meal.” 

It was Hokuto’s turn to smile. “It’s fine,” he assured him. “I just love to be dramatic before I do it.” 

“It’s really okay-”

“It’s fine. If you feel bad, well, just make sure to nail all your auditions.”

Despite the cold night, Taiga was warmed by Hokuto’s kindness. “I don’t deserve nice housemates like you and Yugo,” he said, his voice close to breaking.

Hokuto waved his hand. “Shut it, don’t take the drama queen title from me.”

Taiga’s laughter stopped his tears. “Why a queen though? Not a king.”

“Kings are boring, but queens are badass.” 

“Wasn’t there a queen who got beheaded?” He asked. 

“Marie Antoinette. Ephemeral drama queen. And just because I said queens are badass, I didn’t mean they’re good people.” 

“So are you saying our emperor is boring?” Taiga asked in a challenging tone.

Hokuto’s eyes widened. “I never said anything bad about our emperor - ah, Yugo!” 

They waved at Yugo, who was also arriving from work, and maneuvering his car in the tiny parking space. 

“Otsukaresama desu!” They both yelled at their landlord. 

“I’m so tired, I need a cold beer! Oolong tea for you though,” he told Hokuto as he wrapped his arms around them. 

“I’m 20. How come Jesse can drink but not me?”

“Jesse is over 180 cm and an American,” said Yugo as though that justified everything. 

“I don’t get what you mean and -” he paused and sniffed, “You smell like an old man,” joked Hokuto.

“That’s because I’m surrounded by old men,” Yugo muttered as he headed straight to the fridge to grab two cold beers. 

The satisfying sound of fizz and pop filled the room as Hokuto busied himself with opening snacks. 

“Ahhhh!” Yugo moaned, “That fucking hits the spot. I’m giving myself another year in that company and that’s it, I’d rather be my boss.”

“I’m with you on that one,” said Taiga, clinking his can with Yugo, “Are you not earning enough from renting your house though?”

“Yeah, do you really need work?” asked Hokuto, passing them a bowl of crisps. 

“It’s not the money, I’m working to network.”

“Ah! You want to steal clients from your company later on,” said Hokuto, which made Taiga almost spit out his beer.

Yugo didn’t look a bit offended as he wiggled a finger side-to-side. “It’s not stealing, it’s headhunting.”

“Oooh, is that the corporate way of saying it?” asked Hokuto snidely. 

“Excuse me for mentioning her name, but Natsushima was headhunted to Singapore, was she not?” 

Taiga nodded weakly. “As she said.” 

“Uhm, so, why did you break up with her?”

Hokuto almost spat out his tea as he looked astounded at their landlord. 

“I guess you’ve been wanting to ask me that?” asked Taiga, finishing his beer. 

“I’m embarrassed but yes,” he said, his face turning all red whether from beer or embarrassment. 

Taiga started his story with a sigh. “Where do I begin? For starters, we weren’t really dating.”

“Hmmm? What do you mean?”

“She wasn’t and was never my girlfriend. But I liked her, I confessed, we went to several dates, but she hadn’t given me any answer. Until that day when she was supposed to leave for a vacation to her mother’s home country. She promised to give me her answer, but I never made it to the airport. Years later, she ran to a common acquaintance of ours, who told her what happened to me and guilt racked her. She felt awful and tried to rekindle whatever we never had. Although both of us are still single, we’re not that into each other anymore, especially me.”

Yugo’s eyes were squinting by the time he finished his story, while Hokuto stared in a daze at him. 

“Sorry, I think I’m missing something here, but what happened to you?”

Taiga frowned. “You don’t know?” He asked, exchanging glances with Hokuto. “My dad or your senpai never told you?”

“I told you I never spoke with your father. And my senpai only said something along the lines of ‘you’re a hermit who used to live in the forest, but decided to join civilization after a long time’.”  

“What the F?” Taiga was stumped and Hokuto laughed his head off.

“I guess Hokuto knew whatever happened to you?”

Taiga nodded and took a deep breath. “I was in a car accident on the day I was supposed to meet Kara at the airport. It was also my high school graduation.” 

“What?!”

“And because of that accident, I lost all my memories. I have amnesia.”

“Fuck off!”

Taiga chuckled and turned to Hokuto. “This is how I expected you to react that time - are you okay? Are you still awake?” He waved his hand on Hokuto’s face, he looked like he was suffering from some staring spell as he turned pale. 

“Where - where did your accident happen?” He asked in a small voice. 

“Where? Where else-”

Both of them turned upon hearing a thud, and Taiga could only sigh at the sight of Yugo passing-out.

“Why is his alcohol tolerance so low?” He complained and told Hokuto, “Ready to bring him up?” 

Distracted, Hokuto could only nod his head. 

***

The Tokyo International Forum was a sight to behold that one weekend. A bustle of activities was happening left and right as its halls were filled with a variety of events. An Anime Convention was happening in the entire Hall E and Taiga managed to snap One Piece cosplayers while he waited for his hot chocolate at Krispy Kreme. He just parted ways with Jesse and Hokuto, both of whom were heading to Hall B for a Design Exhibit, and they all agreed to meet at Hall A later to check out the “Amazing Thailand” Tourism Expo. 

He took a sip of his hot chocolate as he took his reserved seat. Compared to the hustle-bustle at the hall downstairs, one conference room on the 4th floor was more subdued. People spoke in hushed tones, some were dressed in business casual attire, and most looked like they belonged to the academic community. 

Taiga sighed as he scanned the pamphlet when the lights dimmed, followed by polite applause as Neil deGrasse Tyson appeared on stage. He found himself smiling from ear to ear. This man was his hero. Tyson’s books occupied his bookshelves along with his posters and famous quotes. He even found a box of “thank you” postcards sent by Tyson, which meant that he was probably sending him fan letters or something similar. The young physicist in him was crazy about this man, he was his rockstar. And although he now admired a different star, sometimes, he wanted to search for the old him. 

***

“Do whatever it takes to avoid fooling yourself into believing that something is true when it is false, or that something is false when it is true…The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinion…”**

“Kyomoto!” 

Taiga appeared startled as Hokuto waved his hand on his face. 

“Ah, Matsumura? Are you and Jesse done?” 

Hokuto scoffed. “We’ve been calling you but you were just staring at a void. Jesse just went to the toilet,” he said as he sat across from him. Taiga had been waiting for both of them at a lifestyle cafe in front of Hall A. 

“Are you okay?” 

Taiga nodded. “I was just thinking. There was so much stuff Tyson-san talked about, I felt like they all spoke to me.” 

“That deep, huh?” 

“Deeper than the universe - but the universe is infinite so it can’t really be measured. So…” he trailed off and sighed, “I think my brain has gotten so simple it could no longer accommodate these kinds of thoughts.” 

“Don’t belittle yourself, you just happened to use your right brain more than left-”

The puck on their table started buzzing and Hokuto volunteered to get his order, while Taiga descended back to his deep thoughts. He used to think what happened to him was his bad fate, but was there really such a benevolent force? Wasn’t it just how we’re all connected biologically, chemically, and atomically? 

“Is this right?” Hokuto asked, placing a tray filled with pasta and pastry, “Did you order for Jesse and me as well?”

Taiga nodded. “I think they gave us the wrong pasta though, I ordered red pesto, but this is green.”

“I’ll return this then-”

“Wait, let me check the receipt.” He took out his wallet from his tote; his cash compartment was filled with a lot of stuff that wasn't money. 

“Sorry, I promise to clean my wallet,” he said, quite embarrassed to be taking out a gum wrapper, and a few pieces of paper flew out as he pulled out a week’s worth of receipts. 

“Oh, never mind these,” he said as Hokuto helped him pick up a few of those papers, some of which were old newspaper clippings. The sentimental in him cut and kept all the news about his accident, he could even make his news report from it, “ Recently-graduated teenager with an IQ of 115, stole his father’s DeLorean and drove at 120 km/h, before ramming into a melon-shaped bus stop… ”

“...I might look like a hoarder, but I’m not. I promise to throw this all away, especially now, I know the reason why I did that - are you okay?”

The color drained from Hokuto’s face, his hand trembling while he held one of the newspaper clippings. 

“Hokuto,” he said slowly, afraid that Hokuto might crumble as a tear fell from his eyes. 

“What’s wrong?”

Hokuto pulled him for a hug, embracing him tight, weeping as he said, “Thank you - thank you for being alive.” 

**Starry Messenger: Cosmic Perspectives on Civilization by Neil deGrasse Tyson

Two teenagers-slash-wannabe yankees chose the wrong night to dabble in fuckery. Both thought mugging Hokuto was a good idea, but as Hokuto turned to give them what remaining change he had, they both screamed and ran as though their asses were lit by fire. 

Hokuto stood confused while the plastic bag of instant spicy ramen and soda swung slowly in his arm. He took out his phone, swiped his camera up, and almost got startled by his face. His eyes were mere slits; both swollen from hours of crying. His hair was in disarray, his lips ashen, his customized sweater was covered in holes and loose threads, and his overall demeanor just screamed that he was a sad and troubled man who might snap anytime soon. 

He sighed. His looks were the least of his concerns as he made his way home. There was no rush in his steps, rust-colored leaves carpeted the footpath, the moon giving off a yin-and-yang appearance, and despite being downhearted, the night was uplifting. It’s midnight and it’s never his character to venture out this late. He even had to tiptoe out of his room. Taiga has finally stopped knocking at his door, asking if he is okay. He felt awful for turning away his housemates, but what could he do? He was beyond mortified and he didn’t think he could ever move on.

He stopped by the gate as the smell of cigarette smoke permeated in the air. Taiga is definitely out on the lawn getting his fix. Even though his stomach had been twisting in hunger, he couldn’t get inside and risked seeing someone he’d been avoiding. He knew Taiga didn’t buy his alibi that he felt sad - extremely sad - after hearing what he’d been through. The commute back home had been awkwardly silent, Jesse’s jokes were bombed, and he went straight to his room as they arrived. He covered his face with his hands as he squatted on the side. If those kids thought he was scary seeing his post-crying fest face, what would Taiga feel? 

So he waited and waited until clouds shrouded the half-moon. 

When he could no longer smell anything, he slowly opened the gate. The lawn is eerily dark and empty. He quietly got in and froze seeing Taiga standing behind the gate. Both of them were spooked, even though it looked like Taiga had been waiting for him. 

“I saw you went out earlier,” Taiga said in a mildly short-of-breath way. “And I’d been waiting for you and - what did you buy?” He took the plastic from him and volunteered, “You missed dinner, I’ll cook this for you.” 

Hokuto was rendered mute to even decline Taiga’s offer and feebly followed him inside. He still didn’t say anything when, instead of turning on the cooktop, Taiga emptied his pack of ramen into a bowl, poured over water, and chucked it into the microwave. 

He never cooked his ramen that way before and he was too stunned to still say anything. 

“Yugo left you some nikujaga , let me heat it as well.” He opened the fridge and placed the bowl of nikujaga on top of the cover of the noodles.

“So, uhm, are you - are you okay?” Taiga asked with reluctance, while Hokuto’s attention was divided on what would be the outcome of his meal, and what excuse he could give to Taiga. 

“What happened to you earlier?” 

Hokuto could only swallow the lump in his throat. He has the answer, but he couldn’t voice it out. 

“Is there anything I can help you with?” Taiga asked slowly, his face full of worry, and Hokuto could only clench his hands on the hem of his sweater. He was like a kid being scolded by his mother. Too embarrassed to admit his mistake. 

The microwave pinging was like a godsend. Taiga opened it and served Hokuto piping hot instant ramen and nikujaga. 

“Mix it well first,” instructed Taiga while handing him a pair of chopsticks. 

Hokuto nodded and mixed his noodles slowly. He could feel Taiga observing him. He blew his noodles gently, murmuring his grace, before having a slurp. The noodles were surprisingly good despite being microwaved. He tried the nikujaga, too, and as expected, Yugo is a good cook. 

“Uhm, I guess you don’t want to talk.”

Hokuto clenched his free hand and kept his eyes peeled on the reddish broth. 

“Not that you need to explain or anything, I mean - yeah - I guess I’m just overthinking. Being worried for nothing.” 

He found the courage to look-up, Taiga sounded so apologetic, which he shouldn’t be. Taiga should never apologize, especially to him. 

“Uhm, then, enjoy your meal, I’ll go back to my room. Oyasumi .” 

He listened to Taiga’s footsteps as he went upstairs and he sighed in relief as the room descended to an uncomfortable silence. Although his late-night meal was good, he was back at that time when even his favorite food became tasteless. He quickly wiped the tears that fell and forced himself to eat and finish his meal. 

He should stop crying as though someone died, because clearly, they have always been alive. 

***

Jesse and Juri didn’t have to say anything and Hokuto could tell what they were dying to ask. The energy they both gave off might intimidate even a pathological liar into telling the truth.

“I’m okay and I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, looking up from his tablet. Although he has no classes, he decided to meet Juri and Jesse during lunchtime. 

“Why? We’re not asking anything,” said Juri, feigning a surprise.

“What are you doing anyway?” asked Jesse.

“Hmmm, I’m planning to enter Reebok’s sneaker design contest,” he sighed as he saved another unfinished work. He had lost count of how many designs he had done, but he would always get tired in the middle and think about how his designs were unfit for a contest. Everything he makes just looks too amateur. Technically, he is an amateur, but that’s not what the judges will be looking for. 

“The one where they will choose the Top 3 and those three will get to make that shoe at the Reebok’s headquarters?” clarified Jesse.

Hokuto nodded. “Aren’t you guys entering?” 

Both shook their heads. “I’ll be working part-time in costume design for next year’s Asadora ,” shared Jesse while he beamed and blushed. 

“Woah! How did you land such a gig?” asked Hokuto, impressed. 

“By forming meaningful connections with my 200 LINE contacts,” he said, still grinning, “But it’s only for a month or two, I’ll be replacing a third? Or was it a fourth assistant who broke their knee? 

“You’re really the coolest!” Hokuto gushed. 

“It’s not a big deal, but Juri here also landed something cool.” 

Juri looked confused. “I did?”

“Correction, someone cool?”

“Oh, of course.” Juri finger-combed his hair, smiling sheepishly as he announced to Hokuto, “I got myself a girlfriend.” 

Hokuto didn’t even mask his disappointment at such lackluster news. 

“You got one every - quarter? I even forgot the name of the last one.”

Jesse snickered and Juri appeared offended. 

“This is serious,” he said firmly. “For real. I might even marry her.” 

Now Hokuto became slightly impressed. “If you put it that way, I guess this is a bit different than your previous.” 

“You should ask him first, who is this lucky girl?” Jesse teased. 

“Yeah, who is she?” 

Juri flushed slightly as he said, “She was recently crowned as ‘Queen of the Night’ from the freshmen party.” 

Hokuto was stupefied for a bit as Jesse cackled. “Wasn’t that just a week ago?” 

Juri smiled. He looked wistfully at a distance as he replayed such a magical moment. “It was love at first sight.” 

“She’s a kid,” argued Hokuto.

“We’re only a year apart!”

Hokuto shakes his head while saying, “You really move on and move in fast.” 

“As I should,” he said proudly as their orders arrived. 

“So what happened at the Forum?” Juri asked.

Hokuto sighed. “I’ll tell you if your current relationship will last 6 months.”

“Then, I guess we’ll never know,” Jesse joked.

Juri scoffed at them. “Just wait and see. You will eat your words,” he said and added in a more serious tone, “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about the Forum, but what about the one back at the unagi place?” 

Hokuto frowned, torn between chewing his curry and replying to Juri. “Mmmmwhhabbtttonrrrr ?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” said Juri with disgust. 

Hokuto savored his curry before finally answering, “What about the one in unagi place?”

“You met someone?” asked Jesse.

“How — Kyomoto told you?”

Juri and Jesse exchanged uncomfortable glances before Juri admitted, “Well, I’m sure he didn’t mean to. He sort of asked us if we knew about your ex, who  isn’t really your ex.” 

Jesse nodded in agreement. “He was concerned because you looked really upset, and Juri and I assumed that whoever made you upset might be the reason why you changed your number.”

“Ahhh -” he mumbled, nodding. “You guys are correct though. Isn’t it ironic that just when I want to completely forget her, I would just see her again?” 

“It’s just a coincidence,” said Juri, “so how did you feel back then?”

Hokuto sighed and noted that Jesse was now halfway done with his curry. “Irritated. The disappointment and anger I felt when I told her I was done, all came crashing back. It made me doubt if I have truly moved on if I still feel those things because of her. It sucks more that I felt that way when there was never an us.”

“It’s fine, we processed moving-on differently,” Juri said with the wisdom of having experienced a variety of break-ups. 

“You should have gone to the freshmen party with Juri,” said Jesse, winking and smiling teasingly. 

Hokuto laughed a little. “How did he get into a party for freshmen anyway?”

“With the help of one of my 200 contacts,” declared Jesse. 

“Oh! So you’re a complicit.” 

“Tch. Let’s not matchmake Hokuto, I’m sure he already has someone he likes,” Juri said with a knowing smile that made Hokuto scowl at him. 

“Who?” Jesse asked, FOMO evident on his face as he repeated, “Who?! Who is it? Do I know this person?” 

“Also news to me, who are you talking about?” he asked, baffled. 

Juri scoffed. “Who else - but the first person who came into your mind when I said that you already have someone you like? Am I right?”

Hokuto kept his eyes on Juri for a while, before resuming to eat his curry.

“I…thought of no one else,” he said, lying as he shook off those dark brown eyes from his mind.

***

Of all the things Hokuto expected to see when he got home, seeing Taiga and Yugo playing mahjong wasn’t one of them. It was the first time Hokuto saw that worn-out mahjong table, and while they mixed the tiles, Taiga and Yugo gave off that “mahjong uncles and grandpas” vibe. Men who spent their days idling and wasting their pensions, rarely taking a bath, and smelled of old cigarettes and black coffee.

“Tadaima,” he said quietly as he tried to avoid Taiga’s gaze. 

“Okaeri,” said Yugo with an unlit cigarette between his lips, “Want to play with us?” 

“Uhm, I don’t know how.”

“We don’t know either,” said Yugo with a grin, “But the sound of tiles is so satisfying.” As though they wanted to make a point, they shuffled the mahjong tiles again before stacking them without care on top of one another. 

“Uhm, n-nice, I’m going inside-”

“It smells of insecticide inside,” cuts Taiga, “It’s barely an hour since the pest control was done.” 

“Sorry,” added Yugo, “I was looking for things to sell for the community yard sale and I must have opened a Pandora's box of cockroaches, spiders, and bugs. I didn’t even think they were friends to be spending time in one place.” 

He almost jumped when he felt invisible crawlies on his skin. He glanced back at his older housemates, both eyebrows raised at him, whether they were daring him to go inside, or play mahjong with them, he wasn’t so sure. 

“Are we that detestable you’re thinking that long?” asked Yugo, looking hurt, while Taiga shook his head with disappointment. 

Hokuto sighed. “I have a sensitive nose so I’ll just watch both of you.” He took the vacant rickety chair and he couldn’t shake-off the feeling that something was crawling down his back. 

“Good choice,” said Yugo, and Taiga smiled. They began shuffling and stacking their mahjong tiles and Hokuto had this sneaking suspicion that both knew how to play the game. 

“So, Hokuto, you alright?” asked Yugo, flicking his thumb on his imaginary lit cig as though he was removing the ash. 

“I’m okay,” he replied. He knew this question was coming and if it weren’t for the thought of dealing with those creatures, he would have faked a stomachache.

“If he says he’s okay, then, I guess everything is cool,” said Taiga, and Hokuto made the mistake of glancing at Taiga, because the moment their eyes connected, Juri’s voice played on his head, “He already has someone he likes.”

Taiga smiled warmly at him, and Hokuto quickly averted his gaze. He felt awful, but at the same time, he was glad. The ambivalence has been jarring and confusing. He remembered the first time he saw Taiga again; the sense of familiarity amidst the smoke swirling around him. He thought Taiga was familiar because he had been his senpai, which was quite a stretch since they never crossed paths back at school. But Hokuto now understood, and he wanted to bash his head for being so blind. 

But hadn’t he always been blind? He didn’t even recognize Taiga back then. 

Or maybe it didn’t help that his face was covered with blood. 

“I win,” said Taiga and laid down all of his 14 tiles, “Seven winds,” he added with a grin that made Yugo crush his unlit cig on the corner of the table. 

“That was quick! Did you cheat?” Yugo turned to him for support and Hokuto quickly shook his head. He didn’t even realize they'd started playing. 

“This is too easy for me to cheat,” said Taiga, still looking smug. 

Yugo gasped. “Wait a minute! You said you have amnesia, why do you know how to play mahjong? Have you been faking it all along?” 

It was Hokuto’s turn to gasp and turn open-mouthed to Taiga. Taiga frowned and looked at both of them, he looked affronted, but at the same time, mildly amused. 

“This is ridiculous. Look, it’s not like I had to re-learn writing, reading, and speaking after I lost my memories. Some things just stay as they are, and I also have no idea how.” 

“You must be some mahjong master in your previous life - I mean, previous you,” quipped Yugo, and Hokuto could only nod in awe. 

“Another round? How much should we bet?” Taiga challenged. 

Yugo disagreed. “You might as well take your lease deposit from me, let’s just play for fun.”

“Boring!”

“Hokuto?” asked Yugo. 

Hokuto quickly shook his head. “I don’t know how and -” He paused when he felt something crawl again, but this time, it was faster and he could feel it going up his leg.

“Shit! Shit! Shit!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Yugo, both he and Taiga stood up and looked at him with alarm while he danced as though his legs were being electrocuted bit by bit. 

“Something is crawling on my leg and oh no - oh no!” His eyes widened at the realization it might be heading to his crown jewel.

“Remove your pants!” His housemates helped in dragging his pants down and the cold air had been forgotten upon seeing a humongous cockroach who paused on his thigh. 

“Ahhhh!” He cried in horror. The cockroach got spooked, rightfully so, but to its surprise, it sought shelter on the covered parts of his nether regions. Even Taiga and Yugo were too shaken to say anything while Hokuto felt slightly faint as those tiny thin legs crawled on his manhood. 

“Argh!” He screamed again and so did his housemates. Hokuto shook his pelvis furiously, or he could just drop his underwear, but thankfully, the cockroach fell on the ground, not one, but two. 

“Eh? There are two?” He gasped when Taiga started screaming, a cockroach crawled on his pants and the shaking and screaming cycle repeated. 

***

All three housemates were dead tired by the time they retired in Yugo’s room. Yes,  Yugo’s room. Hokuto and Taiga didn’t want to return to their rooms, even though Yugo assured them that all those crawlies had gone outside or risked dying from the insecticide sprayed all over the house.

“Better to be safe than sorry,” Taiga argued, “As our landlord, it’s your responsibility to make sure your tenants are safe.”

Yugo sighed. He was lying between Taiga and Hokuto. 

“Fine. But why are the two of you also sleeping on my bed? I have futons.”

“We can’t sleep on the floor,” complained Hokuto, “What if that cockroach sneaks in?” 

Yugo scoffed. “Even if my bed is 20 feet high, I’m sure a cockroach can still reach that.” 

“Whatever,” said Hokuto. He thought the three of them sighed when Yugo snorted.

“Sorry, I just remembered the look on your face when the cockroach got inside-” he couldn’t finish as he wheezed in hysterics. 

“It was quite a sight,” Taiga agreed, chuckling as well, “And the scream you gave might have broken chandeliers.”

“You guys screamed too!” Hokuto argued, but deep inside, he was cringing from his cowardice and near-nakedness.

“- we were so dumb to think they would just stay in the house to die, then, they all went crawling outside,” added Yugo followed by more chuckles. 

“- and both of them targeted Hokuto’s bum, it must be comfy up there,” added Taiga casually. 

“And it probably smells good too! Insecticide-free!” Yugo agreed and teased him, “Do you mind if we smell-”

“Fuck no! Are you two drunk? Stop talking about my ass,” he said shrilly, his face glowing red from embarrassment, and Yugo and Taiga laughed harder. Hokuto’s skin still felt raw to the touch after the insane scrubbing he did when he showered. 

“I should have never gone to the storage room. That room should have stayed locked,” said Yugo once their laughter died down. 

They all sighed and Yugo said he would sleep. They exchanged “Oyasumi”, and compared to the heaviness he’d been feeling the past few days, he felt lighter as he closed his eyes to sleep. However, sleep proved to be a challenge for him, and he sighed with regret upon seeing it was close to midnight. 

“Still awake?”

Hokuto squirmed on his side. He didn’t expect Taiga to still be awake, but then it’s Taiga. He doubted he ever slept before midnight. 

“J-just checking for the time,” he said, feigning a loud yawn, because isn’t it normal to be asleep and then suddenly wake up to check for the time? 

“I see,” Taiga replied and Hokuto could tell he didn’t buy his excuse. 

“It’s nice to have a good laugh, don’t you think?” Asked Taiga after a while. 

Hokuto smiled, he could pretend to have gone back to sleep, but he chose to joke, “Yeah. Even if it's at my own expense.” 

Taiga giggled. “But it's quite unfair though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, isn’t it nicer to be able to laugh together, and also cry together?” 

Hokuto pursed his lips, thankful for the wall that is Yugo, so he didn’t have to look at Taiga. 

“Why cry alone?”

Hokuto shut his eyes, hoping he could psyche himself to sleep in less than 3 seconds. 

“I didn’t know you were such an empath,” Taiga continued and Hokuto just listened, “If it’ll make you feel any better, I have no recollection of my accident. I don’t suffer nightmares from it. I don’t feel any pain. I am okay. There’s no need to feel bad or sad for me.”

Hokuto turned to his side, away from both Taiga and Yugo and buried his face in the pillow. Taiga didn’t say anything else, but he felt him get up, and go out, and Hokuto let a fresh batch of tears stain Yugo’s pillow. 

He wasn’t an empath as Taiga thought. 

He was just guilty.

***

“I know it’s bad to laugh at someone else’s misfortune, but isn’t this just so ironic?” 

“6 days, is it?” Clarified Jesse. 

“18 days,” Juri muttered and dunked another beer. 

“Too short to be getting drunk over,” Hokuto retorted, drinking his glass of blue lemonade. 

Juri scoffed. They were in their favorite hangout, Jonathan’s, to accompany Juri as he cried and picked-up the broken pieces of his heart because his “Queen of the Night” happened to be two-timing him with the “King of the Night”.

“Says the one who cried his eyes out over someone else’s accident,” said Juri with a sneer, “Why don’t you just admit that you like Kyomoto?” 

The clamor inside the fast food joint seemed to have quieted. Jesse looked back and forth at them with dread, and Hokuto just stared with his eyes wide at Juri. 

“Uhm, we still have classes tomorrow, why don’t we all go home?” Jesse said in his attempt to diffuse the tension. 

Hokuto clenched his hands. Was that the reason all along? Has he really always been blind? 

“You’re crying over a heartbreak?” He asked, his voice laced with anger over guilt and regret. He grabbed Juri’s glass of beer and chugged it in one go. A loud thud echoed as he slammed the glass on the table.

“I was heartbroken too. I thought being heartbroken was reserved for those who were in a relationship. Those who loved but weren’t loved back. Those who failed. But I was wrong. Because I felt my heart shattered when they told me - when they told me he was gone.” Tears streamed on his face.

“Err, Hokuto, uhm -”

“I really shouldn’t be crying now,” he said, wiping the tears away, “He is alive. Kyomoto is alive. I should stop living with this guilt, but how can I when he loses his memories in the process? This shouldn’t be his future, it should have been bigger and brighter than what he has now. And it was all because of me. Me. If only I weren’t chasing Rumi that day. If only I weren’t riding my bike that fast. If only I stopped at the intersection. If only - if only…” He had to pause as the heaviness became unbearable. He never spoke of this to anyone until now, and he only realized how much the incident had been killing him inside. 

“Hokuto, what - what happened?”

He sighed. Taiga told him it would be nice to be able to laugh and cry together, but Hokuto would refute that. He had given Taiga so much pain, and the least Hokuto could do was to make sure that Taiga wouldn’t cry again, especially under his watch. 

“I was the reason why Taiga got in an accident.” He sighed again and told his story. 

------

📌 I changed my site and work skin to something really pink but I think I'm the only one who can see it so I'm sharing it. 

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“It could be false memories that were either invented, or they could be real but happened in a different time,” his therapist said and Taiga could just sigh.

The past week had been exhausting for him. Contrary to what he told Hokuto, nightmares from his accident had been frequent lately. After suffering another sleepless night to the point he was too afraid to fall asleep, he decided to visit his neurologist. His doctor referred him to a mental health professional who specialized in hypnotherapy. Taiga only wanted one thing, whatever message that dream wanted to tell him, he wanted it to jump out.  

However, it was his third hypnotherapy and the results have remained the same. There was no continuation of that dream. The same loop kept playing, and the emotions he felt back then magnified and he would wake up extra tired. 

“There’s no need to be scared. Our brain creating false memories is more common than you think. It even affects those without amnesia.”

That didn’t appease Taiga. “I’ve been avoiding this question, but do you think - do you think someone died because of me and this dream wanted me to remember that?” He asked, his insides gripped with fear. After all, he was in a coma for 6 months, and as soon as he woke-up and received his amnesia diagnosis, his parents packed his bags and brought him to the US for more treatment. 

“You mentioned before that you read every news about your accident, right?” 

Taiga nodded. He even used to keep those news clippings. 

“Did the police or anyone charge you with murder? Not a legal expert, but I’m sure having amnesia is not an excuse not to be tried.” 

Taiga shook his head. He did recall the police visiting him and asking him questions he couldn’t answer. 

“Did anyone mention you running-over someone?”

Again, Taiga shook his head. 

“Then, that’s your answer. Despite your situation, I highly doubt someone’s mother or brother or sister would keep quiet if someone they love dies because of your negligence.”

Taiga nodded weakly. He felt so pathetic. His therapist might be diagnosing him with paranoia and delusion, and his next question wouldn’t help. 

“Uhm, there is another thing…”

“Go on.”

He clasped his hands, razing his nails on his knuckles as he continued, “...uhm, well, I think it was during my accident. Uhm, someone stayed with me until the rescue arrived or before I completely lost consciousness. I couldn’t recall his face, but I remember him holding my hand, and whispering kind words, and back then, somehow it eased my anxiety over the possibility of dying. Then, I think - I think I’ve met that person. He has a very distinct voice, but could all this be something my mind also invented?” 

His therapist jotted a few notes while looking pitifully at him. “I’m not saying this to get your hopes up, they could be real. But based on your situation, they could also be invented. You see, when we’re under stressful situations, we either block everything out, or our mind invents a hero who will save us in times of distress.”

“...I see,” he murmured, full of disappointment, “I could have just invented everything, right?”

“You said you think you’ve met this person, did you ask him if you’ve met before? Perhaps, he really is who you think he is.”

Taiga sighed and nodded. “He said he was a junior of mine in high school and that’s about it.” The realization hit him hard. 

“Have you gotten close to this person?”

The realization hit him harder. “We’re - we’re just housemates.” 

“Have you been dependent on this person?” 

“Do I depend on him?” He repeated quietly. 

“Or do you want to depend on him, or does he depend on you?”

“I’m not really sure.”

His therapist nodded repeatedly, giving him the impression that all the puzzles fit perfectly, but it just left him more confused. 

“Assuming your memories were correct, you’re having an unhealthy relationship with this person.”

“What?”

“Unintentional, of course, but because you’ve met someone who resembles that voice, whom you thought was your savior, you naturally gravitate toward this person.”

“Is that bad?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it, but as I’ve said, all of these could be just false memories. You might end up depending or pining for someone who never even existed. In the end, you might even exhaust this person and it would just add another layer of trauma for you.” 

Taiga was speechless. He didn’t think it could be that bad. 

“So I suggest, distance yourself for a while, until you start seeing this person for who he is at present and not because of who you assumed him to be.”

***

“...until you start seeing this person for who he is at present and not because of who you assumed him to be.”

There were so many things in Taiga’s mind that he didn’t realize he was back at the Uni until the cab driver grunted impatiently. And it could be fate or coincidence to see Hokuto getting into the Uni too.

“Kyomoto!” 

Hokuto waved his arms with vigor. Taiga couldn’t believe this was the same Hokuto who looked so deflated a week ago, but he bounced back with so much zeal Taiga couldn’t help but be swayed by it. Hokuto had been making them breakfast every morning. He even began experimenting with dishes with tomatoes in them, and Taiga didn’t have the heart to tell him he preferred his tomatoes eaten raw. 

“You’re just coming back from the clinic?”

Taiga nodded. Hokuto dropped him off at the clinic earlier. He said there was a nearby bakeshop he likes and it was along the way. However, when he asked his therapist if there was a nearby bakeshop, he said that the only bakeshop he knew of was the one in the station. 

“Why are you here? I thought you didn't have classes today,” he asked. 

“Yeah, I don’t have classes. But I told you I’ll be helping you to clean, right?”

“You don’t have to help me,” he said quickly, the therapist’s advice echoing in his head, “I can do this on my own. I’m not someone who depends on others. Just because I lost my memories and I’m probably filling the gap with fake memories doesn’t mean that - that I can’t grab a broom and clean.” 

Hokuto just looked at him as though he spoke a foreign language. 

“Right. Let’s just clean.”

Taiga sighed and chased Hokuto.

“Look, I can do this-”

“Do you think he’ll keep his word?” asked Hokuto. They’ve reached the Custodial Services where they borrowed a few cleaning stuff and equipment.

“He should!” He mentally shook his head. Hokuto is definitely trying to distract him. “That’s not the point-”

“The point is you should have drafted a document or something. I don’t trust that guy, isn’t he the uncle of that jerk?”

“Believe me, I also don’t want to be indebted to anyone with Kazuma’s blood, but as a vocal coach, he is really one of the best in the industry,” he explained. Michael Kazuma, as he was known on the global stage, has worked at Broadway and West End. He retired 10 years ago, and has since returned to Japan. Currently, he works as a consultant for local adaptations of international stage plays, and as another side-hustle, which Taiga doubts he really needs, he goes around Universities to do special courses. Taiga wasn’t able to sign up for the said special course, which was full in mere minutes since it was offered. So he decided to try his luck by begging. Michael Kazuma agreed on one condition Taiga would clean one particular room. It was an odd request, but he was set to fulfill it.

“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” asked Hokuto and Taiga detected wariness in his voice. 

“2D, 4th floor of Kazuma Film and New Media Institute,” he said as they reached the 4th floor. Compared to the first three floors they passed-by, the top floor lacked any energy. It felt dead. Like a sea filled with shipwrecks with something ominous floating around. 

Taiga swallowed the lump in his throat as his heart thudded hard. Thick dust covered the windows, wallpaper peeled off the wall, cobwebs were as big as their torso, some of the white linen covering the tables and chairs was removed, and on top were littered with rat feces. 

“I think some students do hang out here,” he said upon seeing some cigarette butts and opened beer cans. 

“Yeah, I guess. Anyway, I’ll see you later. I’ll just be at the workshop.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” He pulled Hokuto back, his fingers dug on his arm. 

“Didn’t you say you can do this on your own and you’re not someone who depends on others?”

“Did I? I can’t remember. I have amnesia.”

Hokuto gaped at his audacity to lie. “I’m sure that’s not how it works.” 

Taiga smirked. “Whatever, we should-” He paused and turned to look to his left, and all he could see was an empty dimly-lit corridor. “Did someone just pass-by?”

Fear leapt across Hokuto’s face. “Where?” He looked around and beads of sweat formed on his temple despite the unusual coldness on the floor. 

“Are you trying to scare me?”

“I wish I was just trying to scare you,” he thought as he let out a deep sigh, “Let’s finish this quickly before the sun sets.” 

***

“They were each other’s first love. Married too young and separated too early because of the war. She became a military nurse and fought to be designated in Tokyo. But in this very place, she learned that the love of her life had perished. Plane shot and fell in the Pacific. She didn’t think she could go on and hanged herself. Months later, her husband miraculously survived, and in this very place, he learned how his wife killed herself. He felt guilty for being alive, and shot himself to death. Since then, the woman had been roaming this place.”

“That’s a lot of bullcrap,” said Taiga after Hokuto finished one of the urban legends at the very building. “If she killed herself and her husband also killed himself, then there’s no reason for her ghost to be roaming about. Haven’t they met yet? Did their souls get lost or something?”

Hokuto shook his head in disappointment at his reaction. “Why doubt their love?”

Taiga scowled. “I’m not doubting their love, just the story. Oh well, let me give you some facts,” he said and went around the bar. Bottles of champagne and whisky were either half-full or empty, some were filled with cobwebs, others with dead cockroaches. He began to entertain the idea that perhaps the cockroaches had been drinking them all. 

“Kazuma-san said that this used to be a bar.”

“A bar? Inside a university?” asked Hokuto, his tone clearly indicating that the tragic love story was more believable. 

“Something like a jazz bar,” Taiga added, “Basically, this used to be a place for music students to show their talents while paying customers would listen.”

“Hmmm, I can sense an oncoming love story.”

Taiga nodded, Hokuto paused mopping, and were all ears at him.

“A patron fell in love with a student, a piano major.” He took out the cover of a grand piano, and the soundboard emitted an eerie sound as Taiga pressed a key. 

“The patron is married?” Hokuto guessed with confidence.

“Not just married, but the student and the patron were of the same sex.”

“Oh!”

“But we will never get to the juicy part, both worked hard for their feelings not to develop further. The student moved to the US and the patron remained here.”

“Not the tragic story I was expecting,” said Hokuto and resumed to mop the thick dust on the floor.

Taiga sighed and fiddled on the keys more. “Almost a decade later, the piano student became a world-renowned pianist and returned to the Uni for a special performance. The student decided to drop this bar to reminisce, ordered a dry martini, and after a sip, fell dead.”

A clank could be heard as the mop fell on the floor. “What?!”

Taiga sighed once more. “There goes your tragic story.”

“But - w-were they killed?”

Taiga let out his gravest single sigh. He turned to look at Hokuto, who was on tenterhooks as Taiga dramatically wiped invisible tears. He waited until he could no longer hold back a giggle from escaping his lips.

“You’re really into these kinds of stories?”

“What do you mean?” asked Hokuto, still looking confused.

“I lied,” he admitted, “The then student and patron met again. The patron was now a widow and they live happily ever after.”

Hokuto’s brow furrowed. “You’re mean.” 

Taiga tried to look regretful, but it was hard when he found Hokuto cute as he mopped while pouting. 

“You’re like a dog who first discovered something new, you look too cute when you get excited.”

The blush on Hokuto’s ears was immediate. “Tch. Whatever.”

They cleaned in silence. More of those white linens were dropped on the floor, while tables and chairs got polished. Taiga realized that he wouldn’t have progressed much if it weren’t for Hokuto and he should have asked for more help.

“Uhm, so, how’s your doctor's appointment earlier?” asked Hokuto after a while. 

“Ah, that. It’s just routine,” he said casually. He talked big about “laughing together and crying together” but he was just like Hokuto. He didn’t want others to worry. 

“They want to check if my memory loss has gotten worse or gotten better…”

“Better? What does that mean? Like you’re starting to remember anything?” asked Hokuto and maybe Taiga was just imagining it, but Hokuto sounded fretful. 

“Uhm, unfortunately, no. I still can’t remember a single thing.”

“I see.”

“You sound relieved?” Taiga teased. 

“Am I?” Hokuto giggled nervously, avoiding his eyes, “We should finish this quickly, the sun will set soon.”

Taiga looked through the still dusty window. Almost the entire university could be seen from his vantage point. Its ground was draped with autumn foliage, while the sun started dipping lower over the horizon. He wondered, did the piano student see the same view before the poison killed him?

***

Despite Hokuto’s earlier apprehension about Taiga leaving him alone, Taiga found him snoring when he returned from fetching their food delivery. It was past 8 in the evening, the sun had gone and was replaced by a single speck of a star in the night sky, while the building fell to stillness. After hours of cleaning, the room smelled of lemon and Taiga thought it started resembling its former glory. He felt like he was transported in time, mahogany tables and chairs gleamed under the amber glass chandeliers, while on the wall were vinyl records and photographs of popular Hollywood celebrities of that time. 

Hokuto snored louder and he woke up, startled at his snoring.

“What happened? Where are we?”

“We’re still here,” he said as he unpacked their orders, “Grilled fish bento for you and fried pork for me.” 

Hokuto scratched his eyes hard and murmured, “Itadakimasu.”

“Itadakimasu,” Taiga repeated. “I didn’t think we would be cleaning this long. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” he said quietly, still looking sleepy as he fed himself.

“Ah, I also ordered pudding.” He took two out of the brown bag.

“Thank you,” said Hokuto, sparing the jiggly pudding a glance.

Taiga started gorging his meal, while he kept on glancing at Hokuto in between bites. The words of his therapist replayed on his head. When did he start looking at Hokuto that way? Has it always been like that from the start? Back when he was smoking behind the theater and Hokuto called him out. 

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a bit dizzy. Hokuto met his eyes, both of them wide with alarm as they went under the table while the room shook. 

Hokuto is definitely wide-awake now. A dash of fear and surprise crossed their eyes while the room continued to shake violently. The crystal chandelier dangled precariously and the wine glasses Taiga washed and placed on the hanging rack rang like distant bells. 

When the shaking stops, Taiga feels his heart drop. 

“That was quite strong!” said Hokuto, their phones blaring with emergency alerts. 

“5.6,” said Taiga after checking his phone, “We should leave.”

“Huh? But we’re not yet really done.”

“Safety first,” Taiga insisted as he started packing their stuff. 

“Let’s just wait until someone comes up to check-”

“No. We’re leaving.” 

“But-”

He didn’t listen to Hokuto’s protests as he swiftly took their things and stuff they borrowed from the custodian. 

“Kyomoto-” Hokuto pulled him back to face him and dropped the stuff on the floor. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, his eyes searching for an answer, and as Taiga took a steep inhale, the room went black. 

“Eh? The powers out?” He looked to where the window was. It was pitch black, and the lone star earlier seemed to have multiplied as the darkness spread. 

“Are you okay?” Hokuto repeated, seemingly unconcerned about the blackout. “You’re cold,” added Hokuto, his fingers trailing along Taiga’s arms before reaching his hands. Hokuto’s hands were warm compared to his cold clammy hands.  

“Did the earthquake - scare you?”

Taiga swallowed the lump in his throat. His bad eyesight meant that he could barely see Hokuto, but he was glad for this moment of darkness, because the earthquake shook something more in him and gave way to a starking clarity. 

“Have you experienced any earthquakes since you had amnesia?” asked Hokuto, his voice inflecting growing concern because he was not replying. 

“I heard about muscle memory. You mentioned before that you never forgot how to read and write and so, but was this feeling all new to you?” 

Taiga swallowed hard again. The feeling is indeed new to him. He now understood why he didn’t want - even the mere thought - that Hokuto was just something his mind invented. 

He wanted it real. He wanted Hokuto to be real. He wanted it to be Hokuto. 

The lights came back on as goosebumps spread on his arms. 

“Are you okay?” Hokuto asked again. Worry crossed his face. “You must be…in shock?”

The shock was an understatement. He didn’t think that his brain dashed with memory loss could handle this. 

“Why are you not talking?” 

Or maybe he should be resting his brain. It had gone through enough. And the organ he should listen to is pounding as hard to be heard. 

“Kyo-”

“I lied earlier,” he said in a small voice that he had to clear his throat, “I lied earlier,” he repeated. 

“Huh?”

“The piano student did die. Poisoned. It was the reason the bar was shut down.” 

“...oh.”

“The patron’s wife offered to finance his studies in the US with the promise that he would never return. He returned. And because of that he died.”

“Oh. Uhm. Well, that’s tragic. I hope the wife got caught-”

“It wasn’t the wife.”

“Oh? Then-”

“It was the patron. He thought the student left because he was having an affair with his wife.”

Hokuto was gobsmacked. “This story is getting crazier by the second.”

“And the student even returned because he was finally ready to face the world and declare his love for the patron.”

“Is this a true story?” asked Hokuto with disbelief on his face before he quickly shook his head, “Forget it, I think you’re still in shock and as you’ve said earlier, we should leave.”

“Not yet,” he protested, pulling Hokuto closer to him to his surprise. 

“What the-?”

“This could be the start of another tragedy that is borderline crazy. But I don’t have enough memories to deter me from doing something I want and right now, I really want to do this.”

“Uhm, okay? What do you want to do?”

Taiga found his lips were shaking as he tried to smile. He was starting to chicken-out. Having not enough experience shouldn’t be his excuse. His brain says this is wrong. The story he learned from Kazuma-san should have been a dire warning. But the pounding on his chest is telling him otherwise. Their circumstances might be wrong, but is love ever wrong? 

But what does he know? Isn’t he some guy who lost a chunk of his core memories?

“Kyomoto…” Hokuto whispered as Taiga inched his face closer. He couldn’t see his reflection in Hokuto’s eyes, he might have looked like he was begging for all he knew. 

But when Hokuto closed his eyes, Taiga took it as a sign, and kissed Hokuto like he had never kissed before. 

He planned to pull back immediately. Apologize for being reckless and stupid. He was even prepared to be hated.

But Hokuto kissed him back. Even matching the hunger he showed. Perhaps, it was because they hadn’t finished their dinner. No one really knows as they kissed as though it was long overdue.

“...during the earthquake last night-”

Hokuto quickly turned his seat to face Jesse, his features disconcerted, while Jesse looked equally perplexed at his reaction upon hearing a certain word. 

“What’s wrong?” asked Jesse, while Juri looked mildly baffled beside him.

Hokuto pursed his lips, slowly realizing he panicked over nothing. “Y-you were saying something about the earthquake?”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah, why?” 

“Where were you during the earthquake?” asked Juri. 

Hokuto felt his face go red. “Here - I mean, somewhere…out there…and that somewhere is Tokyo - I’m in Tokyo!”

Juri and Jesse both stared at him as though he’d gone senile and he could only thank the heavens when their professor arrived. He turned his seat back, while he made small deep breaths to calm his raging nerves. Or hormones, or whatever. 

“Everyone’s here,” their professor said after he finished checking their attendance, “Let’s start the quiz.”

The entire class groaned and Hokuto deflated in his seat. He had no idea there'd be a quiz and he didn’t study anything last night. How could he even think of studying after what happened?

“Quit with your excuses, earthquakes practically happen every day,” their professor chided to a few protests, “blackout? It didn’t even last more than 2 minutes.”

“Uh, sensei,” argued some brave soul, “Some people might have been tempted to do some risque activities while the power was off and the weather was cold.” 

The class erupted with “ Ooooh.. ” but their professor remained unsympathetic.

“And I’m pretty sure whatever they started doing during the blackout, it didn’t take them 5 minutes to finish.” 

The room erupted in teasing and guffawing, the loudest one was behind Hokuto, Jesse. 

Another brave soul stepped in, “Oh - oh, listen to this! I was in the dorm last night, because where else I would be, and I swear, the lights were on the 4th floor of the Kazuma Building.” 

Beads of sweat form on Hokuto’s forehead, his heart racing while the class is divided in disbelief and horror. 

“The ghost might have turned it on,” someone joked. 

“I don’t think so. I swear, I saw two shadows!”

“See, sensei? The blackout definitely inspired some people to be more raunchy. On a ghost floor, no less.”

Hokuto had to unzip his jacket and finger-fan his face. When is the fucking quiz starting? He is ready to fail it. 

“You only have an hour and a half to finish this quiz but because of your yapping, you now only have an hour.”

The class whined again, but no additional protests were made when the test papers were distributed. Hokuto quickly scanned the questions. There were only 2 and he is thankful upon seeing he only needed to draw. That shouldn’t take too much of his limited brainpower, which was still full of last night’s events. Or rather, one singular event that left him with only at least 2 hours of restless sleep.

He slapped his cheeks and read the first question, “ Draw a person sitting at a dining table with a plate, stainless steel spoon, and fork laid out in front of him/her. Do not use color.”

He mentally nodded his head as an image formed in his mind. That would be easy. How many times had he eaten across Taiga? Sketching him would be effortless. He immediately erased that thought before he could start sketching. Why is he imagining Taiga in the first place? Since the first question was too easy, he checked the next one. 

“Imagine and draw a real-life situation, which represents ‘All that is gold does not glitter’ in a meaningful way. Use the space given to draw and explain your interpretation in 5 lines. No color to be used.”

“All that is gold does not glitter,” he murmured repeatedly. Contradiction and misdirection. It was like how Taiga kissed him but ignored him throughout their commute back home. Hokuto couldn’t ask him why or risked the question being returned to him. After all, he kissed him back.

He mentally shook his head and chased his thoughts back to the present. He blamed hunger for his actions. Hunger could even make his most hated food appetizing. And Taiga’s lips did taste good. Their faces fused perfectly and effortlessly as though it wasn’t the first time they kissed. Taiga’s lips were also like those tomatoes he liked so much, red and smooth-

“Matsumura.”

He jolted in his seat as he reluctantly looked up. Their professor frowned at him.

“Everything alright? You look a bit pale but also red.”

He was forced to smile. “I’m fine, sensei. J-just lack of sleep,” he added.

Their professor nodded curtly and Hokuto slapped his cheeks again. He should forget about Taiga, for now, he has a quiz that he now thinks he can pass. 

***

Hokuto checked his phone the moment he was done with dinner and he could only sigh upon seeing there were no messages from Taiga. Yugo said that Taiga wouldn’t be joining them for dinner for a while since some vocal coach had agreed to help him. Hokuto assumed Kazuma-san agreed and it was probably wrong for him to feel dejected that Taiga didn’t even tell him about it.

“Well, it’s not like he forced me to clean the room with him. I volunteered,” he murmured, unsure why he needed to make excuses for his actions. He should be studying, but his textbooks became mere abstracts in his eyes. 

He stopped in his tracks when he noticed that familiar back sitting on the swing as it slowly swayed.

“Taiga.”

He knew he’d been jogging but his heart rate spiked just by looking at Taiga. He wondered if Taiga had just returned from his vocal coaching session and chose to sit idly at the playground. He also had this sneaking suspicion that Taiga lied about Kazuma agreeing to coach him. And if the latter is correct, why would Taiga lie? 

His thoughts were interrupted when his phone rang loudly, he saw Taiga straighten his back and before he could turn to look for the sound, Hokuto swiped the answer and quickly crouched down behind a few recyclable bins. 

“Hokuto?”

“This isn’t the right time-” He started whispering when another voice spoke.

“See? I told you we can do conference calls on iPhone,” said Jesse.

“Yeah, cool, this merge thing,” said Juri and continued, “So, Hokuto, we just need your opinion. This is a life and death situation.”

Hokuto sighed. It looked like he had no choice but to listen to a “life and death situation” that would surely be about Juri’s never-ending tangle in his complicated web of relationships.

“Be quick about it, I’m out jogging,” he said, adding an exaggerated “catching his breathing” for good measure.

Jesse cackled. “Liar! You never jog.”

“I do now,” he argued. “What’s your problem, Juri?”

“Are you whispering?” asked Jesse.

“I’m just out of breath, I’m conserving my energy,” he muttered, “So what is this about?”

“Uhm, okay, so, uhmmm…”

Hokuto rolled his eyes, and with forced calm, he added, “This is not the time for you to be all shy about it, spill.”

He could hear Juri sighing, followed by a bit of rustling. “Okay. I met an old classmate from high school.”

“From Chiba?” asked Jesse.

“Yes, from Chiba. She’s the top student of our school, quite nerdy, but pretty. To make the story short, she confessed to me before and I rejected her.”

“Okay.”

“So we met, accidentally, after all these years. We exchanged hi’s and hello’s, then, we got talking. You know, catching up. Then, the earthquake struck, and the next thing we knew we were kissing…”

Earthquake. Talking. Kissing. Hokuto barely heard the rest of Juri’s story as his mind wandered back to room 2D, the 4th floor of Kazuma Film and New Media Institute. He remembered Taiga’s hot breath on his mouth, their faces flushed after the kiss, the strong desire to pull Taiga back for another round, and who knows what else they could have done if it weren’t for that knock on the door.

“Hokuto? Hoku-”

“Hmmm?”

“Hmmm? You weren’t listening?” Juri bellowed while Jesse just laughed. 

“I am listening,” he muttered, trying his best to rewind and dissect the details Juri mentioned when his brain wandered back to Taiga and their kiss. “And you said that both of you have agreed to date, so what’s the problem?” 

“Well, I think I agreed too quickly.” 

Hokuto raised an eyebrow. Juri is quick to fall in and quick fall out and for him to be contemplating this much is so out of character. 

“You always agree quickly,” said Jesse with a yawn, “Why is this different?”

“Errr, you guys might find this hard to believe, but I never reject confessions. My motto then was, ‘date to be known, not to be liked’. Her confession was the first one I rejected. Back then, I was just so surprised why the top student of the school would want to go out with me, so I said no.”

“And you said yes now, so?”

“I’m thinking, did I agree because I felt bad for rejecting her back then? Do I really want to date her? Or do I just feel guilty for what I did? What if - what if I break her heart again?”

Hokuto smiled. Juri might not have noticed it yet, but this girl has really impacted him differently if she can question his choices.

“I mean, let’s use Jesse as another example. What if Yugo finally agreed to go out with you after he rejected you twice? Wouldn’t you feel that maybe he agreed because he felt bad?” asked Juri.

“Nah, Yugo already likes me,” said Jesse with that overflowing confidence of his. 

Hokuto cleared his throat and said, “Juri, I didn’t really understand your motto, but for now, stick with it-” He paused as a shadow loomed behind him, and his breath caught upon seeing who it was.

“- uhm, I’m going back jogging, it’s getting late. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He ended the call and for the next minute or so, Taiga and he just stood behind the recycling bins, both of them observing each other who would make the first move.

Taiga spoke first. “I’m so-”

“Don’t apologize,” Hokuto cuts in, “There’s nothing to apologize for, I don’t feel sorry for -” He trailed off as something heavy weighed on him. He has something to apologize for to Taiga, and the kiss is starting to make him feel worse. A kiss from the devil, and Taiga is definitely not the devil.

“I wasn’t apologizing,” said Taiga, “I was going to say that I’m so embarrassed by how I acted - and still acting - after I kissed you out of the blue.” 

“...oh.” Now he felt stupid. 

“You’re my first kiss, at least, that I can remember.”

“Oh.” Now he felt pressure. He hoped Taiga found his kisses good enough.

“Uhm, I didn’t kiss you for fun or anything, but I think, I think I like you.”

“ Oh .”

A harsh wind blew around them, sending leaves rustling around their ankles, and if a bomb exploded near him, Hokuto would stay rooted at his feet, he was too stupefied by what Taiga said.

“That’s not a confession though,” Taiga corrected, which did nothing to lessen its incredulity. “But I will properly confess once I sort-out my feelings.”

He found his throat too dry when he tried to speak. Or maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all. He had no idea what to say. He better do that conference call with Juri and Jesse again. 

“It might sound like I’m telling you this so you’ll be ready with your answer, but I’m not,” added Taiga while Hokuto continued in a bewildered state, “I just wanted to be honest with my feelings.”

Hokuto swallowed the lump in his throat. His chest constricting and the cloud of doubt began forming in his heart. Just like Juri, he began to lament if he also liked Taiga, or was it just guilt? And liking him will be some sort of atonement.

“Uhm, go on with your jog, I’m going home.” 

He sighed and watched Taiga disappear, before checking his phone to call Juri and Jesse, but he didn’t need to, because he never ended their call in the first place. 

***

The neon red strobe lights were a pain to Hokuto’s eyes, but he couldn’t deny that the members-only club called “DRAMA” had good taste in music. 

“Having a good time?” asked Jesse as Hokuto hadn’t stopped moving his head since they arrived at the club. 

“Thanks to you and your connections.” Jesse grinned and placed an arm around him. 

“Yugo would have been here if he weren’t too busy,” he murmured sadly. He then gestured to Juri, who was seated in the corner while cradling a can of soda. “He’s so into her and he hasn’t realized it yet. Heard that she hasn’t been replying on LINE and our friend is utterly crushed.” 

Hokuto nodded glumly. He could sympathize with Juri’s dilemma. He even thinks Juri had it easier, he only rejected her in the past, and he can still redeem himself. Compared to him, he is basically responsible for wiping out Taiga’s memories. How can he ever redeem himself?

“What’s with this atmosphere? Both of you received confessions from people you obviously both liked, but none of you are happy.”

He sighed. He already thinks it’s wrong for Taiga to like him when he should be despising him instead.

“You know the deal between me and Kyomoto, I can’t really be happy.”

Jesse also sighed. “I stand with what I said from our merge call, you’re probably just assuming the worst - oooh! Yugo’s calling me!” gasped Jesse, “I’ll take this outside.” 

Hokuto simply nodded and watched Jesse disappear downstairs, he turned to Juri and saw the corner vacant save for his unfinished drink. 

“Where did he go - awww!” He turned around and helped steady the woman who bumped into him. “Uh, are you okay?”

The woman was about to slap his hands away when their eyes met, and despite her heavily charcoaled eyes, mascara running down her face, thick blush, and dark lipstick shade, Hokuto recognized her. Unfortunately, so did she. 

“Hokuto? Hokkun!” Rumi gushed and wrapped her arms around his waist. The stench of alcohol wafted toward him and annoyed he might be for this zemblanity, he steered her to the couch where Juri had been sitting.

“You’re drunk. Where are your companions?” He asked as he remained standing.  

Rumi shook her hand. “I’m on my own, sit down, Hokkun,” she said, patting the space next to her, “looking-up makes me feel dizzy.”

He ignored her order. “Where’s your phone? I’m calling your husband-”

“Oh, fuck off!” Rumi snapped. “I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself!”

Hokuto scoffed. “You can’t even walk straight-” Before Hokuto could finish, Rumi yanked him down on the couch and the next thing he knew, Rumi had been straddling him.

“Get off before I forget who you are,” he said through clenched teeth.

“You mean, just like my husband?” 

Under the reddish glow of the club, Hokuto saw what Rumi was trying to hide under the heavy make-up, bruises. 

“He hurt you,” he murmured, running a finger on a bruising that made her wince. 

“Even for just a few seconds, can we forget the past?” asked Rumi, and before he could reply, she crushed her lips on him, kissing him with fervor, and he couldn’t bring himself to push her away, because even though she was kissing him, she was also crying. 

Her kisses slowed and her tears increased. He let her weep as she buried her face on his shoulder. And as Rumi’s face was no longer blocking his, he had an unobstructed view seeing a familiar back heading downstairs. 

“Shit.” 

***

“It’s getting colder lately,” mused Yugo while he drove. Jesse agreed enthusiastically, while the three passengers at the back remained silent. Hokuto thinks that the chill Yugo had been feeling wasn’t weather, but the frostiness behind him. 

Juri continued to sulk while his eyes were peeled at his phone. Hokuto would brave a few glances at Taiga, who despite being seated beside him, was able to make enough space that could fit Juri. 

He couldn’t even sigh, afraid that his mere breathing would annoy Taiga, who never spared him a glance since - since whatever he saw back at the bar. He wanted to explain and apologize, but thought of it deeply, he didn’t do anything wrong. 

His phone buzzed, Juri got startled thinking it was his, and the message preview threw him in panic, “I know you still like me, and I think, I’ve always liked you.”

He quickly put his phone face down, but it was too late for Taiga had probably read everything as he saw him looking at his lap where his phone was. 

“Uhm-”

Taiga’s sharp stare made him shut up, and wordlessly, Taiga resumed looking outside. 

Hokuto finally let go and sighed. He shouldn’t have given his new number to Rumi, what was the point of changing his number if he gave it away easily? When will he stop being a pushover? 

Juri asked to be dropped-off a few minutes later, and as much as Hokuto didn’t want to leave the middle seat, he knew it was the best thing to do. Maybe this is better, distancing himself, or had Taiga pushed him away once he knew what happened between them. Maybe it’s better for Taiga to forget his feelings for him, and it’ll be easier for him, too, to give up and let go. Let the guilt of the past rule over his heart.

His phone rang, the same unsaved number who texted him earlier. He sighed and answered the call. 

“Hokkun-”

“Have you gotten home?” He asked quietly, glancing at Taiga, who now had his eyes closed and arms crossed. 

“Yeah, I just arrived. Uhm, Hokkun, can we meet-”

“Sure, let’s meet tomorrow.”

“Great!” Rumi’s eager reply, “Let’s meet at Dragon’s Den, it’s at -”

“I know the place,” he said. 

“Oh, better! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Yeah.” Hokuto ended the call, and soon, they arrived at Yugo’s place, and Taiga went straight to his room.

Hokuto sighed. He felt like he committed an unforgivable crime, but hadn’t he yet?

***

“How did you know this place?” was Rumi’s first question after she arrived. She was 30 minutes late and carried a huge duffle bag. Unlike last night, she didn’t bother covering the bruising on her left cheek and lower lip. It even looked like she was proud of it as she flashed her cheerleader smile at him. 

He sighed and handed her a coffee he ordered earlier. The underground coffee shop serves good coffee despite it smelling a decade-old mix of body odor, sweat, cigarette, weed, etc because there was very little ventilation. 

“I was supposed to go here back then when I heard you were seen hanging-out here with a few college students.”

“Oh! And that was how I met my husband,” she said with a dour look on her face. “So, you’ve been here before.”

“No,” he said, sipping his coffee, “I never made it back then. I got into an accident.”

Rumi looked so confused. “Accident? When was this? During summer vacation?”

“No. It was before we became high school freshmen.”

“Oh - I didn’t know.”

Hokuto didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He missed the first week of the start of his freshman year, and Rumi, the woman he loved up to the ends of the earth, didn't even bother checking his whereabouts. 

Rumi seemed to have read his mind. “I, uhm, the start of the school year had been super busy, you know, trying-out for the cheerleading club. But you should have told me! I could have - I could have visited you.”

“It’s okay,” he said without an ounce of pity for his past self. He didn’t want to entertain the idea that it must be fate’s way of telling him to stop his madness with Rumi. But believing that would be cruel because someone innocent got hurt in the process.

“No one really knew about that accident except for my family, my homeroom teacher, and the principal,” he said quietly. He was too ashamed for anyone to know that he caused someone’s death.

“Hokkun,” said Rumi as she reached for his hand across the table, “It’s not too late, we can start all over again.”

Hokuto blinked his eyes, unsure if he was hearing and interpreting her correctly, as his eyes fell on the duffle bag.

Rumi continued, “This marriage has been a mistake. Last night, I realized how blind I was. You’ve always been there and I thought - I thought I was doing you a favor by keeping you around out of pity.”

He thought he would be surprised by Rumi’s admission, but there was none. 

“But when you started distancing yourself, I thought you just wanted me to chase you, and it took me a long time to realize that you were the one doing me a favor for being around. You were like my anchor, you kept me afloat, secured, and prevented me from drifting away.”

“Not that it helped anyway.”

“Yeah, and I learned my lesson.” Her hold tightened on his hand. “It’s not yet too late, right, Hokkun? Let’s make up for those lost times. Let’s not drown each other with guilt and pity, let’s just be happy. Together. The past belongs to the past.”   

A tear fell from his eyes and it surprised Rumi. 

“Sorry, I’m really sorry,” he said, choking on his tears, and withdrawing his hands from Rumi’s hold.

“Hokkun?”

He cleared his throat and wiped his tears. “While you were saying those things, there’s someone else in my mind. And I realized that I don’t want this kind of regret to eat me up later. I want to be with him, so much so that even if he ends up hating me later, I will have no regrets.” 

“Hokuto? I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry. But my heart already belonged to someone else. And all I’m feeling for you now…is pity.”

***

He knocked hesitantly on Taiga’s room, but there had been no answer. He knew Taiga’s home since his slippers were not by the door, so he crouched down to check through the gap between the door and the floor. The room was dark, but he could smell Taiga’s favorite cigarette. 

“I know you’re in there, can we talk?” He asked after another knock. When he received no reply, he took a deep breath and loudly said, “I’m going in.” 

Taiga stood waiting at his rooftop window. A cigarette on his left hand continued to burn, while the full moon bathed half of his face with a silvery spooky glow. 

“Sod off, I don’t want to talk to you,” said Taiga, taking a drag of his cig. 

“But-” 

Taiga eyed him scathingly while he put back his AirPod on one ear and turned his back on him. 

Hokuto sighed. It was stupid of him to think that Taiga would be interested in hearing his explanation. 

“Uhm, can you spare me even just a few minutes?” He asked loudly but Taiga didn’t show any signs he heard him. 

“I-”

“Argh! I hate this feeling!” Taiga snapped, startling Hokuto as he turned to face him. His nostrils flared like a dragon about to breathe fire.

“You want to talk? Fine. So, tell me, who do you enjoy kissing more?”

Hokuto tried not to gape. He didn’t expect that question. 

“Do you just kiss anyone who shows interest to you?” asked Taiga as he furiously stubbed his cigarette on the ledge.

“Uhm, are you being jealous right now?” He asked, half-amuse and half-scared, and he might be imagining it, but Taiga’s eyes glowed with furor.

“Yes, I am, and I hate it.”

He was, again, rendered mute. He didn’t expect Taiga to just admit it. 

“But you know what I hate more? I hate that I put myself in this situation. I was…fine. I should have never entertained those thoughts. My therapist was right, I should have distanced myself for a while…”

Hokuto had so many questions while Taiga seemed keen to torment himself for making those decisions. What thoughts were Taiga trying to avoid? When did he start liking him? What did he talk about to his therapist about him? Was it that bad that Taiga had to consult a pro about his feelings?

“...I’m so obnoxious. I don’t even have the right to feel this way. Who am I? What are we even -”

“I didn’t kiss her back,” Hokuto interfered. He had to, or Taiga might say something like he regretted kissing or liking him. “Your, I mean, our kiss was the only thing on my mind for days.”

The room might be dimmed, but he saw Taiga’s cheeks turn pinkish. “You gave her your new number.”

“I felt bad for her. I think I can still worry for her without liking her, but for your peace of mind-” He took out his phone and added Rumi’s number to his ‘Blocked Contacts’. “-I’ve blocked her.”

Taiga scoffed. “But didn’t you meet her today? S-she’s the one who called you last night, isn’t she?”

“Yes. I did meet her.”

“Because you still worry for her?” 

Hokuto nodded. “That and because I needed to set the record straight.”

“Set the record straight to her?” 

He sighed and stepped closer to Taiga, cornering him by the window, and with the moon as his spotlight, he just wanted to stare at Taiga’s face while he said what his heart wanted to say. 

“No, but to myself.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I was torn if my feelings for you were real. And after meeting her, I’m certain. I like you, Kyomoto Taiga. I think I’ve liked you since I saw you again smoking behind the theater. Or probably, earlier than that. I like you so much more than I’ve liked anyone else.”

Taiga opened his mouth, probably to say something, but no sound came out. And with his lips parted, Hokuto used it as a chance to swoop in for a kiss. 

“I just smoked,” mumbled Taiga before Hokuto could kiss him, “You hate it, don’t you?”

Hokuto smirked fondly. “I always wanted to be one of your Sobranie cocktails, probably the purple one. I want you to light me up and puff me until I’m reduced to ashes. I want to be the one to satisfy your fix.”

The blush on Taiga’s cheeks spread all over his face. 

“Did I make your heart race like your cigarette would?” He pulled Taiga closer, letting him snake his arms around his back, lovingly cupping his cheeks, before finally kissing him. 

He finally got a taste of Sobranie. It was sweet and aromatic, and also strong and bitter. But most of all, highly addictive.